This letter was written for the 10 anniversary edition for POZ, if you saw it don't worry you didn't miss much. Below is an updated account going on in my life today.


Dearest Lucile,
I appreciate you and your deadline that is why I have broken it into questions you requested answering them to the best and shortest my drama would allow. Please PULL what information here that you feel fits the layout and project. Aside from this massive amount of information I have to say Thank You for this 50 word or less update. I realize it is not my birthday nor is it all about me knowing this Q&A will not appear in its entirety if anything maybe a sidebar update depending on what you decide. I needed to write this not only for POZ 10 th birthday, but I needed to write this for me. .

MY only request from POZ is knowing if anything a 1/3 rd will appear as an update, wanting to offer those that have followed and still do inquire information about my health would like since appearing in POZ cover story in Feb/March 1995.

Please include my website www.thomcollins.com and personal E-mail address thomcollins@cox.net over anything else written here. I am not asking for a computer link to your site just my typed web address &E-mail for your readers. It would mean the world to me to include that information. When your office has time sending me via E-mail one POZ banner to add to my web sites links page would be icing on the cake.

Finally, sending Sean, his sister/family our warmest regards and prayers. Reading his profiled story last month helped David tremendously with questions and concerns he was having personally. He could relate with Sean's story and he too now shared a POZ article with his Doctor.

Sean Strub is a hero for this magazine's creation and I have always considered him mentor/friend.

My past was covered by POZ in 1995, what came next is what you see here .

Are you in a relationship?

I am 38 living with my beloved partner David for 20+ years calling home Oklahoma City. Our business's Home Care Options, Preferred Medical Services Inc., along with our Hospices. 1994 up until late 1998 our foundation Open Your Heart met all of it's objectives and more including an HIV/AIDS Clinic, support groups, medications, and a “frat” like house promised for PWA's opened not only 1 but 2. My life has made a 360 since we last spoke and putting all this information into perspective is easy, though living with and loving someone with AIDS is very hard. I know it is your birthday POZ and I am truly happy to celebrate your success. I can remember a time when there almost was no more POZ. You gave me the opportunity to share my story with others and through that exposure allowed me to travel, educate, meet incredible people, begin to learn what AIDS activism really meant, the good the bad and the very ugly. Looking back today my story is anything but unique, sadly it seems to be much more common than ever before.

They say it is better to give than to receive, I guess that depends on who you ask. The early to mid nineties were the best of times and the worst of my life. Physically, spiritually, mentally, and financially all flourished or so it seemed. After POZ came out in Feb/March 1995 I almost lost David later that year from a deadly form of VZV. It took him almost 2 years to recover but in the process he, our company, and life with HIV would take a drastic turn for the worse. Watching him go through that after years of living with HIV this event was my wake up call having my first realization that AIDS had come knocking on our door. Even though he was recuperating insisted I go to L.A. to do the Leeza Gibbons show with the agency I was with, Proof Positive to shed some positive light along with others living with the virus.

Have there been any major changes in your life since appearing on POZ's cover Feb/March 1995?

When my story in POZ Feb/March 1995 came out within a month Keith Lewis of “Proof Positive” a division of the Morgan Modeling agency asked to represent me. He prepared me for what was to come, mainly the talk show circuit here and in Canada. The whirlwind of press, conferences, magazines, appearances, and Talk shows soon followed. Soon thereafter in November 1995's The Advocate coined the phrase Thom Collins-HIV Supermodel suddenly realized this is not what I had anticipated nor was prepared for. All of this “sensational press” came from an appearance on Phil Donahue's show dealing with AIDS and individuals like myself making it look sexy being HIV positive and then later accused of “Glamorizing the Disease”. Sadly my message of “I am HIV positive, I have no time to be negative” or why can't people with HIV/AIDS be HEALTHY while still looking or being in touch as sexual beings got lost in the shuffle.

If you look back before 1995 drug companies were not running “pretty boy” ads they so often run now, though a bit toned down and more realistic. If I may be so bold and not to be taken as egotistical my apologies to any and all offended if I had anything to do with starting or participating in the low point of the drug company's ad campaigns, this was and never my intention. Speaking of our drug therapies for HIV/AIDS won't be a worry for you to read. As you see by the questions you gave me and the time of this being sent to you attempting try to discuss some of the new PI's and HARRT therapies we are on, tried, and a certain AZT who fried my joints taking for those early miracle drug years would not be possible. For it is almost 6am Monday morning, OKC time, &7am NYC time. This was just to be proof read so I will spare you all my thoughts, experience, and to date any and all drug history.

Are you still involved with the Open your Heart foundation?



With the release of POZ, the story helped my community in Oklahoma City launch my AIDS foundation “Open your heart” with a loud roar! Sadly but not without a fight the foundation is inactive today. The foundation helped lay the “foundation” for our Ryan White Clinics in Oklahoma City. The new weekly client count and the active client count provided the needed required numbers for obtaining a grant from Ryan White to fund development of our HIV, AIDS clinic in Oklahoma City and Tulsa. Not bitter it was sad watching other foundations that shall remain nameless try to obtain our patients list, this is the politics of the disease that shocked me more than testing positive. I thought we all were fighting this disease together? Who knew charities are big business and compete as if they were fortune 500 companies? Reality check, not happy. Known to be outspoken yes, but a whining, complaining, needy or pitiful is not my style. I hope it does not come across as such, for if it does I am much sicker than I thought. This is not just about my struggle, but my partners, my families/friends, our doctors, the system, faith in a higher power, charities, and you POZ the magazine of the decade.

Updates from my Interview with Hal for POZ?

A Recap if I may:

From the time of David's illness in 1995, myself and our staff tried to keep our business' afloat, at 15 his son did move in with us, OYH fnd inc just taking off, doing my best to please others, driving his son and daughters to school, all the while trying to balance my fast paced lifestyle along with my own health issues. Answering our kids questions, along with the gay/mainstream publics through my speaking, website, appearances, print and E-mails. Living, breathing, eating, talking, arguing, worrying, feeling, hurting and to top it off have HIV/AIDS 24/7 working within the politics of the disease was my job and my reality. There was no escape, but I wanted to make change and fought as hard as I could. I don't want to die and I don't like to fail. I do accept it is better to try than not to try at all.

However, what is “managing” my disease? I am no different, held at the same standard, filling out endless forms, needing assistance, looking for help/charity and not ashamed of it. Surviving is one thing, but living with it is another. Progressing to AIDS was obviously the next step, unless hit by a car. David who just got over VZV now had another bout with shingles a year later. His 6-foot frame at 220 lbs then, today he is a frail 170. I then at 5'10 170 lbs., 8% body fat, today is 220 lbs of crippled doughnuts. More on this further down.

In October of 1999 was my first ride in an ambulance. I collapsed and unable to walk I was admitted to the hospital for a 5-day visit. I went on a quest to find out what was happening to me. Various physicians ordered X-rays, MRI's, Bone Scans and other extensive testing both as an outpatient and inpatient. Some of the tests indicated severe signs of joint deterioration coupled with arthritis and neuropathy. However, no real solid diagnosis on why I was unable to walk without a cane/wheelchair to walk. It was only getting worse. With all the negative press Pain Management was getting 2 years ago/present my Dr and family friend Dr. Roger Pickett listened to my concerns upon my bi-weekly cortisone injections in my knees, hips, ankles, and elbow visits, read the article POZ did on “AVN” about two years ago. After reading the article he referred me for some additional testing. I emphasize HIV infection since often HIV itself is talked about as if it is a benign virus in and of itself. Far too many people believe an HIV infected person remains at 100% until O.I.'s begin to occur. The diagnostic tests revealed nerve damage compatible with AVN and other problems related to long term HIV infection. Diagnosed 3 years ago with AVN and my options running out was referred to Dr. Kent Smalley, my now Neurologist and getting the best care possible.

. For 2004 both David and I have had the poorest test results since learning of our HIV status. I hate the numbers game and always will. For those playing the numbers ours to date this year are CD4 is 180 VL 200,000 for Thom and CD4 of 108 with a VL 300,000 for David.

Along with Dr. Douglas Haynes my Private Physician, Dr. Clifford Wlodaver-Infectious Disease, Dr. Robert Redmindino-Neuro Surgeon, and Dr. Wayne Weissmuller also top Neurologist. There are so many great doctors I had to mention them by name. With their permission of course.

. Physicians now recognize that HIV itself causes slow, relentless damage with the most obvious dramatic drop in CD4 count and increasing Viral Load. Surgery is the only “cure” for AVN and even then the results are not consistently predictable. I prefer to hip replacement at this time. Dr. Smalley's office along with every other doctor mentioned Nurses/staff have all been not just valuable but my support system to date. They all have helped us in many ways only to continue to be a top source of good care and reliable information. I am very fortunate to have a good and caring physician like Dr. Smalley, who was no longer taking patients but took a chance on me.

When you begin to feel like your dying inside the disease takes on a new meaning, the shock and trauma of just testing positive takes over your very being is a whole new ballgame unless ill prepared for what is claimed to be inevitable, DEATH! But hey you could die not wearing a seatbelt or so they claim. I knew something was wrong and I couldn't make excuses anymore.

How is your career?



OK! Open Your Heart Foundation, Inc. and our for profit operations we had no other choice but to close all of our companies and Open your heart as well. Both David's and my staff during some pretty tough times trying to keep things afloat we will always be grateful. You can only ask employees so many times to let hold their checks. Nevertheless, David was the man behind the curtain he was the company and soon we all realized it. Growing up AIDS and realizing life would not be the same.

David gets a new job, the official form completer for the both of us, the official Patient Assistance Program monitor, resource locator and of course the endless page/puzzle/scavenger hunt they call an application there was the SSA – SSDI application process.

David was approved for SSDI in late 1998 and my application approved 2001. My first SSDI, CDR, Continued Disability Review was just this last October. Saying fortunately my medical documentation supported the continued disability status and very fortunately this information was adequately conveyed to SSA and they granted approval for continuing my benefits. Not everyone is this fortunate and often SSA will terminate benefits during the review process. I can only imagine the terror of loosing sole source income, Medicare, medication, no money to hire an attorney to represent you during the CDR process. Attorneys are much more readily available during the initial application process with SSA for SSDI than during a CDR with SSA. The stress alone of dealing with our own charity, medication programs, and the endless amount of paperwork was and is a full time job.

Both David and I were disappointed, if not upset, with one of POZ's cover stories. It was titled “DISABILITY QUEENS ”. David was actually offended and found the information in the article more fiction than fact. Controversy is good and part of what makes POZ great! The stir for debate and discussion is always healthy and educational. However, if you have HIV / AIDS, lost your job and income is not very regal and certainly not the any regal queen I know would choose to live! Sorry to go on about this one, but it struck a sore spot. On a lighter note there are those guardian angels that came out of nowhere sent by GOD to help, love, and support us in that scary time of limbo between no income and SSDI approval. They know who they are and I am humbled by their ability to give without terms

Now we with SSDI, Ryan White, DHS, CarePoint, compassionate care programs, Other Options Food Bank, HOPWA, Case Workers, caring specialists, and supportive Doctors. Additionally individuals that contacted me and have unselfishly provided great assistance to David and me. Several of these people I met online have developed into very real friendships that I will forever be grateful.

I know things may get more difficult. Today things are manageable, however, I can assure a career choice!

Not a day goes by without me giving thanks given to the glory of God for help keeping a roof over our heads, food in our stomach, compassionate doctors around and most importantly a continuation to the ever changing Tom and David story. Having each other is a blessing. They say what one puts out into the world will come back full circle. I am living proof.

Are you still Modeling or Dancing?

This was by pure coincidence during my last visit for 3 modeling gigs in NYC September 1999 I have not left Oklahoma since. Anyway, the POZ editor in the mid 90's was a Mr. Richard Perez-Feria, call it fate, but as I went to my go see for a shoot with GYM/BURN magazine upon my interview it was Richard Perez Feria, their editor at the time. Just coming off of my MTV's True Life feature on God and Gays he told me that I would be featured and he agreed to let me share my progression to AIDS. Once again my POZ exposure helped, this time through connections. I told him what was going on and what had changed. However, when it came out 3 months later it was not what I thought it would be. Thinking the truth would be told or updated I was so happy to share this information after all the press I had done up until this point. The pictures were great, and the interviewer was great. Another “Fluff Piece” concerning my workouts, my diet and frankly, I expected something better. Richard Perez-Feria did take a chance with my HIV status and my sexual orientation with a supposed “straight” magazine. The story only spoke of my body living with HIV knowing full well I was living with AIDS. I guess HIV is OK, but not that AIDS thing! If I hit the stage or tried to model today, eek, my ego, my alter ego both would rebel. Thom Collins, Circuit Queen of the Desert, dancer from the dance atop the male dancer signature black box at Fire Islands Morning Party 1998 and not least of all the title, not self imposed, “L.A.'s Hottest Transi-Dancer”.
Looking across a sea of dancing shirtless beauties while I waited patiently for the D.J to spin the hot song of the moment “Say A Little Prayer For You”. At the time you couldn't ask for a more perfect song felt deeply by so many. Like the Dancer from the Dance conveying emotions from myself with them joined in harmony.

Okay cue Drama Queen, 1 2 3 GO!

A moment not a cloud in the sky, a moment so personal captured in time could not have been any more magical. As that song beat began to mix into the next each second phasing out the prior song I can hear Diana King belting out those words, I hear it, SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU! Known at some circuit events as a booked act, my best work was never planned or booked as the entertainment. Known for Impromptu performances I ran like a banshee to that 7x5 black box. The Entertainment booked at the event, knew me, and pulled me atop the box giving me center stage. Doing my best hop, spin, and a twirl all-trying to be as fierce as my drag would allow, I knew this was the end for me. Always and forever grateful for my years not overdosing, arrested, date raped and most important being named as “Circuit Royalty” as OUT magazine labeled me 2 months prior in one of that years scandalous stories on Where do people with HIV/AIDS go to die? South beach their grave of choice, beautiful yes-affordable NO! It was one's perspective on living the HIV/AIDS circuit/beach blanket gymbo's 0 responsibility living on unemployment/Life insurance-SSDI benefits. It was flattering to me, but I had no idea of the fight that lay ahead of me. Getting close to the end, Tom gets back to the tales .

You bet your ass I felt like royalty, but if not for the circuit crowds themselves I could have been just another dick in the wall. My passion was to Dance/Entertain when in reality it was much deeper than that it was about wanting to be LOVED. Sure, I loved to dance and would like to think a bit talented, however dancing took on new meaning for me, and the crowds after POZ came out including all that followed my dance/performance took on new meaning. People can remember, trash, or call it what they will but nothing beats or moves ones very soul while dancing with the gay community. God is everywhere you want him to be and everywhere else.

It's strange how life chooses good and bad moments to reflect upon. Ones good times are maybe another's bad time. We all remember things differently as they happened “high” or otherwise. I was working my sobriety for almost 2 years by that point and had some bumps in the road, but that weekend was real, reflective, and a time for me to realize not only my mortality along with what was to come, but to bow out gracefully and not remembered as 1 old tired, washed up dancer from the dance as fast as I can't, say “goodbye” to that chapter in my life. No announcements to others on the circuit as to my decision, but to say see you in Pensacola, Fla Labor Day Weekend Circuit event next month. Knowing I was getting sick, and I had a great run and careers that of “International Playgirl centerfold Model, 1983-1998 male “Dancier Extraordinaire”, 15 yrs performing for women with the Chippendales, traveling to every GAY club USA, to my infamous alter ego Transi-Drag Queen romp and roll, Easter Weekend White Party Palm Springs 1990 . Rolling my socks off on 2 sweet X-tasy's a flowing while my obsession with Madonna's Vogue became my signature song, then to be forever immortalized in celluloid's Dirk Shafer's Man of the Year , yeah it was great. All of these memories flooding my head as I walked back up the long boardwalk alone realizing I have no place to stay, NO seriously this was my first visit to Fire Island. FIRE ISLAND! The legend, the myth, the history. Feeling my life experiences rich and yet with some degree of sadness present. During the visit to Fire Island I felt as though my life had come full circle. Hal Rubenstein titled my story in POZ “Dancer From The Dance,” after a book with the same name, a story about gay men, and their love affair with Fire Island's energy, sex, and dance. To be quite honest he said that book smart I am not, dancer from the dance was the 3 rd book I had ever read and continue to read today. Thank you Hal

Have there been any momentous or interesting changes, accomplishments, or important years?

The filming of my True Life documentary with MTV on God and Gays shared with the public my spiritual beliefs along with video of my becoming a “reborn” Christian with the full all white Gautier draped baptism that just happen to fall on Gay Pride Sunday 1997. Before it aired my hometown newspaper did a story on it, never knowing it was going to be front-page news. My church and pastor with whom I loved dearly turned their back on me and to this day have never truly healed from. My Trust once again being tested and I was loosing it faster than my T-Cells. I was and still am very proud of the work MTV and I put together.

I spoke candidly about the 5 most important things in one's life and at the time it went something like this:

• God

• Health

• Family

• Friends

• Work

If any of those were askew your life could and most likely would be unmanageable. God is a huge part of my life. My love and faith in Jesus Christ on a daily basis is truly my strength. Sadly, one of my strengths was my family. My family and I are like a bad Jerry Springer show being estranged now for about five years, not having seen nor spoken to them. All moved out of Oklahoma, moving forward with their lives and my brother and sister having biological children relate to my parents more than ever before. Having kids myself, though not biological I didn't relate to the vicious cycle I could see playing out again from my childhood but with my nephews and nieces.

My friends are few and far between. Sick people are not fun to party with. When you are sick, very quickly friendships/family/relationships will separate and define your real friends from the acquaintances. Estrangement of my own family exacerbated by my illness or perhaps their inability to accept me being sick. Unfortunately fair weather families exist like fair weather friends.

What is in a title HIV – AIDS – AIDS – HIV, actually quite a bit with these anachronisms disguised as tiles? I am stunned how ignorant many people are concerning HIV and AIDS. Perhaps most people are as “progressive” as they might believe. The public, people in general, do not want to listen to sad, pitiful, depressing stories concerning AIDS.

So much work remains and must get done about and concerning HIV and AIDS.

. My word count exceeding 50 words and my 15 minutes both famous and fabulous puts me in an unattainable position. All jokes aside I hope you enjoy reading this as I did writing it. If anything I hope parts of it made you smile and realize you are part of the big picture too. Just you working at POZ are helping educate millions of people through your work. Thank you for your efforts.

This very LONG letter was written at the first of this year, I promise you there is more to come on this topic...