Dearest Bloggers,

Please, before you read, know that what accomplishments I may have had or press I may have received this last decade by no means expected to move to the front of the line or for that matter have this story or part thereof published. I can't hide from who I once was and only ask to be treated as someone that has grown from his immaturity to his now loving spirit. Looking back at my carelessness of "living in the moment" and not planning for the future HIV/AIDS not included. Maybe, I would have become a Veterinarian or Zoologist and not just a Playgirl Centerfold. Maybe I would have graduated and not become Mr. Gay Texas 1986, or Maybe gone to College instead of becoming the Infamous Circuit party Go Go Queen Diva Deluxe, Thom Collins....??????

Thom Collins then:
24 years old
5'10
175lbs
8% body fat
Italian 8 inches/bottom

Thomas Colvin NOW:
36 years old
5'10
220 lbs
26% body fat

Still Italian, but using a 4 foot cane not looking forward to a wheelchair as I fight A.V.N. an OI from AIDS

The point of that above is not to humiliate myself or be ashamed of what I have done with my life up until this point. But in some ways hoping that this story will somehow express that LOOKING GOOD, and FEELING GREAT is not the norm, unless of course you are "high" in some way. Getting older in our community is something I never imagined I would be feeling for statistics show I should be dead by now. Living in the GYM may have helped my immune system and my career at the time, but soon becoming a "juice pig" for lowering Testorone levels proved I could attain my goal in keeping a HOT 6 pack AB body into my 30's and with a good plastic surgeon into my 40's being able to play amongst the youngsters just coming out. However as tragic as it sounds if my life was only filled with drug induced weekends, the next Circuit party weekend, another Cocktail social Queer as Folk blow out, the Barebacking chronicles, or GHB on parade then I would beg someone to put me out of my misery. I am not judging anyone here in this article who are in, looking for, or are very happy with themselves and the loving friends we soon come to know as "our family" in this wonderful, glorious, exciting, and ever changing GLBT community.

But, for those of you planning, hoping, praying, and not Slaving, Paying, or Miss behaving for relationships that are REAL, have TRUE LOVE for another MAN, and maybe help inspire you to STOP along the way by taking a chance on a one night stand for it is NEVER worth it in the end. I am here to tell you to wake up, be realistic, stop being so self involved, get a bit of GOD/spiritual in your life, stop gossiping, listen to others, to stop talking all the time and let others speak for you might learn something, and maybe setting your goals for MR. RIGHT around other things besides his pecs or size of his Dick. If you are serious about LOVE and care about having a "prince charming" in your life then listen up. We all want to find LOVE, we all want to be in LOVE, we all NEED to be LOVED. But the only way to Find, Be, and Need/GIVE is to begin LOVING yourself. So many of us today are Self Haters and don't even realize it. Though it has been almost 4 years since leaving the scene I am sure it has not changed much. We treat ourselves like trash and allow the "evils" of our community to get into our personal lives. Drugs, Sex, over-indulgence breeds irresponsibility. When you are irresponsible starting with calling in late to work to finally not showing up, then you are just rehearsing for trouble with forming TRUST in your relationships sexual and otherwise along the way. Dare I say taking chances and putting yourself at risk for STD's and you know Papa AIDS.

Okay, so maybe I am preaching to the choir but I use to sing that tune too. I wouldn't change anything in my life past or present except maybe planning on living past 30 would have helped in more ways than one. Feeling sorry for yourself gets you and everyone you know feeling nothing but pity for you as time goes by, Living with AIDS and trying to keep what friendships you thought you had with so many you loved and trusted, only to find out you must have been nuts to think the people you call friends are going to baby-sit you or take you to the doctors was only a dream or real in the movies. But I am not bitter....How could one not be? It sucks having this disease, no pills can make it manageable or for that matter Bearable, your family finally accepts you or so you thought until you bring home your letter jacket but it is not that kind of letter jacket but the one with every acronym known to man. HIV, AZT, AIDS, A.V.N, PCP, CMV etc. Then it is off to taking care of yourself. All of this has a point and overtime I stop to send this letter I think of something else. Forgive me..

Just knowing that you are still requesting letters/stories for other book projects if I am too late for this one makes it seem worth it. I was pleased to read you will be taking stories after the deadline for other books/projects. This project came to my attention a month ago via E mail and it couldn't have come at a better time. Sharing my story or stories over and over again in print/TV/ and in person with HIV/AIDS seminars during the mid to late 90's. Long story short small town boy moves to big time city to become a STAR. Naturally, having what seems to be cliché stereotypical, theatrical story or shall I say hasn't everyone been the aspiring Go-GO boy ( in 1983 Oklahoma we called it Male Dancing) under the legal age only to be found out by family of my sexual preference, then tossed out of my house to live my decadent lifestyle with all the "has/has been's", the "what/what nots" and my personal favorite the "sin/sinners". Why of course, that lifestyle had my name written all over it. Ironically, 20 years ago this month I can remember one of the most popular girls having a crush on me and I as well. Loving to dance, I worshipped the Pom Pom girls and stayed after school to watch them practice from 8th grade up. But there are no boy Pom Pom girls. So my junior year of High school looked into becoming the first High School Male cheerleader my senior year. With that said it was around this time planning my junior prom with this Head Cheerleader as we began our decent off cloud nine after busting a move or two for our Schools Talent Extravaganza with our dance routine, strobe lights and all called "Punk-Funk" that basically was the highlight of the 4 hour show that was not only well received from my peers, but the Newspapers as well. This was my first taste of being an entertainer/dancer/actor and with the semi strip tease in the performance I knew what I wanted to do. But had no idea I would do just that and so very much more.


Going to Junior Prom with my dance partner, months earlier just beginning to date even though everyone in school had called me a fag, queer, pillow biter, etc. all the old school slang that haunted me for years not to mention being terrorized of daily beatings from male classmates while the girls including my date for prom found me cute, not to mention rumor has it I was a good kisser. Always denying I was gay since my family moved us here to Edmond, Oklahoma when I was in the 6th grade but knew I was different deep down inside. Maybe it was because I got my first sexual lesson 4 years earlier in the basement of 3 local teenagers who taught me how to play Strip poker. Now that I am older it is safe to say that sucking someone's pee pee for having 3 queens instead of a royal flush was a bit confusing and why I lost so many times. But I liked it, even though I ran home in horror that these 3 teenagers in my "hood" took advantage of me and my friend. This event and others took place in Warren, Michigan from 2nd to 6th grade when I was still just "Tommy on the Cock", but I didn't know where I/It came from.

Jumping ahead, no pun intended to that day of excitement, fear, and most of all guilt of stealing the joy of gay sex from a bookstore to find ANYTHING on just what it was I was going through or feeling? I still have that book today. Words like "coming out", "lover", "69" and a blast from the past "rimming" ewww people did this? But what intrigued me the most was penetration the idea a man could indeed have sexual intercourse with me as he would a woman sent me into sensory overload. However, queasy, disgusted, painful, and unclean this practice may be I wanted IN-to this club called homosexual or Gay man. Without sounding like it was just the sex that made me look further into what some say is a lifestyle, I being brought up a strict confirmed Catholic in a religious setting but never, EVER hating on JESUS or what others said he thinks of homosexuality. In my younger years JESUS was my childhood hero and to this date still is. Now I consider myself spiritually connected and that part of my life is a whole other story.

Anywho, my date and I went to prom that night and had a blast. Her best friend, also mine too was the ONE person I confided in early that year of my being gay. I guess you would say I came out to her. The three of us, the friend being a senior did some crazy things and memories I will always remember. However, jealousy is a cruel thing and the friend did not like me going to prom with her friend, and so she told my date/girlfriend/ cheerleader/ whatever I was REALLY GAY. Well lets just say she tried, my penis died, she cried, I lied, screamed at me to DRIVE her home and found out our friend told her of me sleeping with a male friend of hers and the beginning of my male dancing career taking off in the city's gay club. I was devastated to say the least. We didn't speak much the last 2 months of our junior year, but she had to face me when cheerleader tryouts came and at the end both her and I were varsity cheerleaders our Senior year. But I had the summer to catch my breath, sort of.

Tryouts introduced me to a man's Man named Rex, who was one of the judges from another school. He was handsome, older, and with my new ability though in it's infancy called "GayDar" I was getting some strong signals. To say the least we ended up sleeping together and that summer spent some hot and heavy sessions daily. I officially became a bottom and proud of it. Sadly though, Rex was not the best mentally for me and in some ways warped my sensibility to trust and LOVE another man and /or having such an impression on me that there are no happy endings or long term relationships being gay. It is all about party's and sex. But we argued my point that the Joy of Gay Sex say's we could be LOVERS, he would have none of that. Later in life through some intense therapy realized that sub consciously I indeed took on his traits of one night stands and the glitz of the nightlife following his lead. Little did I know that the reason for his guarded heart was because it was recently broken by someone who I would always be younger than, or 2nd too when it came to modeling, dancing, sleeping, and then come full circle in 1995 when asked to play myself in his project called Man of the Year. Having no idea it would be released to such a big fan fare once again looking back fondly too this man who was my neighborhood's lifeguard and had a crush on him then.

Yes, I am speaking of Dirk Shafer Playgirls Man of the year and also was Rex's true love and I came in 2nd for the first time but not the last with Dirk. Dirk left Rex to pursue a modeling/acting/dancing career as a small town boy going to big time city to become a star.. That story has a morbid ending but now back to me. Getting what I thought was big break at the local Drag bar called Tony's club north where Mr. Tony Sinclair himself took me under his wing and taught me the biz, plastic surgery, makeup application, and the joys of performing on my feet for the masses and not on my knees tramping for the trolls. Tony instilled some morals to me about the gay community and what to and not to do. We had a saying that read, "it is better to be wanted, than HAD!" One she insisted on was at my age finding a handsome Rich man to care for me. Being brought up Italian, Care meant love, In the gay community it was called Sugar Daddy and Chicken. A business relationship of sorts.

After spending the summer of 1983 of falling in love, getting my heart broken, leaving the Catholic church, but discovering, then worshipping, meeting, writing, loving, following all that is Madonna, going to Cheerleading Camp, but learning how to be "campy" things were so new and exciting. Flashdance, what a feeling, or Its raining Men all part of my life's coming out soundtrack. Finally, on August 22nd 1983 my life changed forever. No it is not where I tested HIV positive but by this time I had already been exposed, just not knowing it yet. I am talking about meeting my beloved David. He a handome, well dressed, classy, sexy, beautiful smile, all wrapped in a Richard Gere kinda American Gigolo style was sitting at the bar, a Drunken mess that I found charming. Why? Because it showed all over his face that he didn't belong in there and from what 411 on got on him was he was straight, married, and not out of the closet. He was brought to the club while his wife was in France for holiday. A college Frat buddy who was going through a divorce after he came out to his wife. Mike his frat buddy was into the drag queens, couldn't get enough of them. I met him before having no idea months later he would introduce me to my now infamous 20 year soulmate, life partner, lover, whatever today. I introduced myself as Mr. Gay Oklahoma City for I had just won the title ( pageants in the Midwest were not just for the drags but boys on parade we use to call them) and David, my soon to be beloved replied really your parents must be very proud. We talked and I performed to which he tipped me 50 dollars but it wasn't the money that made him special to me, it was the idea he was straight and at the time going through a turn on of sorts sleeping with curious straight men. I begged him to meet me the next day, he declined, I insisted, he laughed, I begged, he said maybe, we kissed, he said what time.
But with only 1500 words and the above written only as an introduction to my story dealing with the affects, drama, guilt, sadness, and differences of living with HIV and now both of us living with AIDS as to what I have LEARNED through this- my 20 year relationship with David. It is and always has been easy for me to talk, blab, promote, just about anything I have done personally, but to share just one part or a slice of my life with David and all we have been through in our relationship, family, and friends is difficult to say the least. I will try to do them both justice. Myself and my relationship sharing a letter I recently wrote after a 3 year self imposed isolation from all things, Gay, AIDS, and Party's. When asked to be the cover model for an upcoming book dealing with HIV and relationships plus having some International success with Modeling and then onto AIDS activism with one of POZ magazine's first cover story's backin FEB/March of 1995. Signing with the Proof Positive division at the Morgan Modeling Agency later that same year, doing Talk Shows around the country, arguing with Phil Donahue himself about an ad showing a dying man with AIDS when I was in shape and feeling "great". As a gay man being perceived by the gay community and straight too as 90 lbs, sunken in cheeks, with one foot in the grave alone in some AIDS home for the sick was all the imagery people saw at that time. It had been 11 plus years since the scare and frankly I along with so many other HIV and AIDS individuals wanted to be viewed as survivors not causalities, Sexy not just sick, HOT without the ROT. Having no idea what impact or dare I say the beginning of what we now see as "sexualized advertisements" for HIV/AIDS therapy? The fear was taken from the disease that year when big mouths like me who had lived with HIV for 12 plus years and feeling great did the Covers for GENRE magazine, articles in the Advocate, and basically giving a voice to a certain sector of our community that being HIV could be manageable through a healthy lifestyle of diet, medication, rest, and EXCERSISE!!!!!!!!!!

Which leads me into this book called: Love in the Time of HIV: The Gay mans guide to sex, love, and relationships.

After reading your information about the soon to be released book (Love in the Time of HIV), yourself, and the marketing of the book, it dawned on me that a "couple shot" would be right for this book. I was vague in my last E-mail on my limitations, one being I no longer look like the man in the photo's, speaking of course in my heyday as a model/HIV back in the Mid to late 90's.
Still feeling the same, a little older, a bit wiser, but much "bigger" if you know what I mean. I do have three separate series shot by Reed Massengill, John Falloco, and Jeff Palmer from 1997-1999/2000 that never went public. After my last modeling, "gig" with Gym and Burn workout magazines these photographers used a selected few for Art galleries highlighting their work. However, as I was told maybe 1-3 photos per photographer of my image were used.

The last photo shoot I did was with Reed Massengill out of New York and I was trying to tap into Steve Reeves "look" of the era. The longer hair, and goatee were all in the name of art. In addition, remembering Kelly Grider a photographer out of New York who does amazing work with human subjects by super-imposing wings from birds, which gives the photos an angel like quality that you have to see, to believe.

For the record, let me just say again, I am flattered beyond belief to have been asked to be the cover model of this book, if my ABS could just find there way home from whoever stole them from me I would be on a plane tomorrow if you called. If you would like to see the photos I described, Richard Carter my graphics designer, with whom I assume you know, may have some of those recent photos I speak of on CD I sent him last year or so. He did great work for me on my site, such great talent. If he is unable too locate them and you would like to view them I can get them copied and sent your way.

I am in the process of updating my site and it will not be a problem if you can let me know a time frame, if not, please send along an autographed copy of your new book, if you can it would mean so much. No pressure though. Working in the business as a model for 10 years, I know what sells and maybe I am assuming it is sex. Maybe a sexy image is not what you are wanting at all and I just made a fool of myself. If you want your cover boy to be cover boys as in a HIV/AIDS relationship then my partner and I of almost 20 years would be perfection cover-boy/boys in our natural state

What I mean about natural state is, no buff, no fluff, or powder-puff. Just two men that went from "riches to rags" within one year a direct result of the illness and ultimately the closing of our 20-year-old healthcare business. The raising of David's three kids, who have since become adults via the Red Eye La-OK-South beach Miami, you know the type real hands on parents. Seriously though with what we had to work with and how people worked us it is amazing they are all in college to this day looking out for not just there father, but myself included as told by them. One notable difference is that instead of daddy it is Aunt Tom.

From the ridiculous to reality, Plastic to Pancreatitis, Special K to a balanced breakfast, the gym to using a cane, Steroids to Cortisone Injections for Chronic Arthritis, Dildo's to a yearly Colonoscopy, High Fashion to elastic waistbands, your best friend a Post/Party/host Transsexual to adopting a 2 week old Capuchin Monkey who is now 6 years old, going to the Opening of an Envelope to fearing the worse in ways of HIV/AIDS Government cuts, Jeffrey Sanker to Ariel Sharone, 976 to 5309, AOL Chat rooms to IRS online help. WE are trying to make ends meet living on SSDI and fighting the disease/politics/and business of AIDS on a daily basis.

We fill out more paperwork, apply for food stamps, section 8 housing, HOPWA, HAART therapies, available drug trials, and still coping with the mental abuse/shame/ and being taken advantage of by the very same family I lifted up on National Television/& in print numerous times as my support system. Only to wake up one day and have them leave us without transportation. Can you say re-possess MY CAR! If they kicked me any lower, it would have been into my grave. However, I do not own a plot to be buried in unless you see a plot in this "quasi" short story or a point for mama is on a roll.

From Circuit Party diva deluxe cover boy to Oklahoma's soup kitchens looking for a meal. I am 8 years sober, but so intoxicated from a plethora of medications non of which will prepare me for loosing David first. David is 15 years my senior, and the thought I cannot bear to imagine is my life without him. It has happened before just like in Terms of Endearment when Shirley McClain says, "Give my daughter the shot! She is in Pain, Give her the God damn shot!" Compose, release, breath and scene. All kidding aside, dish, rumor, and melodrama to be single today looking for that soul-mate and not just a bedmate, to be understood, respected, allowing you and your partner to grow not into ONE Living Beast with 2 backs, but hopefully into 2 amazing people, who are secure within themselves, honest and open when dealing with revealing and I am not talking about how big it is. I was once quoted as saying "honesty is the way to Monogamy" or was that George Michael. With a little patience in letting each other grow without being judged/blamed/or having lapsed into a coma actually thinking you have the power to change someone to fit your agenda or idea of the Perfect Husband. Then my friend you better start taking applications now cause “it ain't gonna happen not now not ever”. If this means you are in the sit, spin, hurl and twirl portion of the program by all means knock yourself out expecting nothing in return but fun filled memory's, hoping of course your memory survived the first 2 nights awake with no sleep/water/food/or condoms while on your now infamous Britney Spears Video premiere "we have to party for her" weekend that started suspiciously at 3:30pm on TRL that Wed afternoon ending a tad ripe with the smell of "S-CUM" attached to your body praying your partner will call for Carol Ann to help put you to bed and then proceed to beat the truth out of you the following morning. Not in front of Barbara from Rebook of course... If you survived that cocktail/mission weekend while reserving a place in hell thinking your beloved partner is doing what you assume he always does, which is sitting and knitting at home feeling no jealousy for you have an understanding. A word from experience I come from that place of understanding and it wasn't until my partner described to me what it was like for him baking and beaten, or sitting and knitting all the while I was visiting friends, lets just say that was when I realized he was doing the same thing I was.

Not being on the same page with David, my partner has been tested in more ways than one, however today in good and in bad as cliché' as it sounds I wouldn't trade it for the world, but that would be a lie. I would trade it all in if I was promised to have more time learning, listening, and loving him 10'x more then I have and to set all the petty, party, pick-ups, and our HIV Positive test aside, for he has given me the ultimate strength and support by being not on the side, but beside me still and forever always. Don't ever give up looking for HIM or HER, better yet as the old saying goes when you stop looking is when it happens. It may not be what you expected 100 percent physically, financially, or sexually but I have seen some of the best possible hook ups that COULD have BEEN, but never came to be a true long term relationship because of one of those three things did not live up to one or the others expectations. Seeing couples for 8 months and then getting cold feet not wanting to be tied down, another sad outcome. The worse yet is testing positive and the other tests negative but if I have shared anything with you the reader of true feelings and acceptance of reality you can take some pride in knowing that if I was able to find, live, and love someone and get back more and then some LOVE in return through our relationship with all of it's ups and downs, it can happen to you. Just don't make the same mistakes I did....

Peace be to you,
Tom


Send your bread over the water - one day you will find it.

I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful, than a lifetime of nothing special.

[Listening to: Michael Sambello, Maniac (CLUB 977 The 80's Channel (HIGH BANDWIDTH)) - - Michael Sambello, Maniac (CLUB 977 The 80's Channel (HIGH BANDWIDTH)) - (0:-1)]