RAINBOW HOMESTEAD WEBSITE
I sit at my computer trying to put into prose 1500 words
or less a moment in my life that was life changing, tragic,
or inspirational. Never having a problem of speaking my
mind, my inner most thoughts shared for the world to see via
1995 web site before they were common place. Were talking
before www. Today, with technology and computer software
anyone with something to say can post, publish, or even be
seen via webcam or Web diary's known as Web Blogs. This
project with Rainbows4GLBT could not have come at a better
time. Not only is it being PRINTED in book format the old
school way, but living a self imposed/isolated/discovery of
disillusionment for my life and relationships I thought I
had within our gay community/friends/ and sadly my own
family since late 1999. Yes, I have been known to be mellow
dramatic, however it feels right to speak of what I have
learned, discovered, felt, this past 4 years and say it
proudly without the fear of being judged, afraid, ashamed,
or feel sorry for myself any longer.
Understanding that my story and statements to our
culture may never reach the minds it was intended for. It
feels good just to let it out by typing it on paper all the
while keeping the scared, curious, generous, and insecure 16
year old boy from the Mid west close to the surface. My
hopes, dreams, and prayers for others in the GLBT community
can relate, learn, and most of all know they are not alone
when it comes to the ultimate feeling, of Being, Wanting,
Having, Needing, Searching, Finding, Looking for LOVE in
their lives. I speak from experience on both sides of the
LOVE spectrum and my A-ha, wake up call, or light bulb
moment came and it didn't register until it was to late. To
late to prevent hurting others, but not to late to repair.
Looking for LOVE in the wrong places is so sad but true. In
order to be successful in finding love you have to know
where to look and it starts with the mirror.
Loving the person you see in the mirror, not the
reflection or image only but the person inside the package.
The real you.
So all I can offer you as of today is my eye-opening, jaw
dropping, forever grateful, however painful, lessons on what
may seem important to you today could very well mean
absolutely nothing tomorrow. As you blindly go about your
business with your bad self, never giving yourself a real
REALITY Check but having the time of your life in the
process. When your reality Check-up comes and you are not
prepared it will hurt your eyes not to mention your heart, a
job, support system of family and friends, or worse your
Immune system when the smoke, fog, and steam from the sauna
finally clears when ones Reality payday comes.
For the record, let me just say that part of this story was
printed in E-mail form to an author along with his book
publishing company after asking me to be the cover subject
for his up coming book about HIV/AIDS relationships. Having
a successful career speaking of course of my heyday looking,
loving, feeling, and booking as an International Male Model
then spoke out on Talk shows, profiled in print, starting my
own AIDS charity back in my hometown, and signing with a
modeling agency that had a AIDS activist modeling division
back in the Mid to late 90's. So one could only imagine how
flattered I was to the point beyond belief having been asked
to be the cover model of this book. If my ABS had not been
ABducted back in 2000 or somehow located then brought back
to me I would have been on the next plane tomorrow in a New
York minute. Then coming to realize that the young gay boy
in the mid-west dreaming of fame and fortune times had come
and now gone. The promotional tool "my looks" to achieve my
objective of fame and fortune have since faded due to AIDS
and not AGE. Reflections of my past shooting through my
brain, feelings of love lost, hope springs eternal,
invincible, HIV negative, youth, and the death of many
friends so young, too early.
Which opens my story: ABs ducted, LOVE looking to Come Out
again, take two
My dream of becoming a professional model was always in my
thoughts and I did everything, "not everyone" to make it a
reality. Not stupid, but not book smart I was a C student
living in Edmond, Oklahoma after my father moved us from our
birthplace New York at the age of 7 to Warren, Michigan
where in 2nd grade 3 teenage boys took me and my friend in
the basement for an Oral sex lesson. Then in 6th grade was
relocated again to Oklahoma. How I wish my grandparents,
aunts and uncles could have been a part of my upbringing
looking back. I come from a large Italian family out of New
York and though at times very loud and obnoxious, it my
family was a party all in itself. Just like coming out and
realizing there were others like me, but also finding out my
family had a long history of trust issues, depression, and
addictions and watched in horror how they tried to hide them
or fix them.
2002 still feeling the same, a little older, a bit wiser,
but much "bigger" if you know what I mean. AIDS had now
blessed me with A.V.N, in short my joints were now dying and
unable to "Work-out" the way I once did. The pride I took
in my body and percentage of body fat was ridiculous. Even
today in shows like Queer as Folk they show the HIV
character shooting up steroids. Well, I got to utilize
steroid therapy in the later 90's. The whole steroid thing
really was not my scene. Having a gorgeous body gave you
power that I never felt before in gay culture. Just coming
out never touching a barbell and getting the attention all
of us crave in some form or fashion suddenly was given to me
and for the first time felt good about myself. ALA natural
if you will. Blessed to be a competitive swimmer in my
early childhood and teen years gave me the chest, back, and
most of all the Bubble Butt so many men covet. Accepted,
loved, wanted, desired, but then cum to realize years later
I was USED. Or taken advantage of for other people's
agenda's to be met.
Don't get me wrong I had an agenda too. I wanted fame and
fortune. Doesn't everyone? After coming out that summer
and then spilling into my senior year of High school after
spending the summer with my new beloved community who gave
me the strength to be myself and an attitude of Were here,
Were Queer, get used to it was not only liberating but
exciting. Coming out to this day was the biggest gift I
could have ever given myself. No longer a cross to bear but
a celebration of my individuality. Always asking questions
and at the time reading books on homosexuality on just how
to tell ones parents is when I first saw the term Coming
Out. So to give you an idea of just how naive I was and
still am at times, I remembered putting two and two together
with Diana Ross' song I'm coming out and the term coming
out. Wait it gets worse. I was out for just about a year
and someone told me why they were called the Village People.
Had not a clue. Some gays found it cute, others thought I
was just plain stupid.
Starting out as a male dancer back in 1982 before the
term Go-Go boy was coined at the ripe OLE age of 16 in
Oklahoma City. Hearing terms like "chicken" or "sugar
daddy" was new to me. It didn't take long to figure out
what title I was. Titles, stereo-types, and status in our
community having such an impact on decisions we made and
judgments we had of others. Circa 1982 another phrase being
whispered about was the Gay Plague or G.R.I.D. but I was in
the Midwest and besides the way gay's gossip it was probably
blown out of proportion. Plus this so called Gay cancer was
showing up in the bigger cities like San Francisco and New
York. I wish I could tell how that story ends but you know
that AIDS has not ended. This story is never ending taking
every friend, acquaintance, and neighbors that were the
backdrop of my coming out in the summer of 1983 with no end
in site.
A favorite quote of mine to this day is from the movie
Steel Magnolia's when Shelby tells her mother of her
pregnancy that is not welcomed with joy from her mother.
Shelby say's " I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful,
than a lifetime of nothing special.".
The old adage of "Living life in the Moment" I agree with
that philosophy living with wonderful was fun too, but you
have to be thinking in the moment as well as living in it.
The beginning of my end came December 12, 1985 when I tested
positive and then my partner of 20 plus years exposed in
1987. I know live on SSDI along with my partner as we come
up on our 20th year anniversary in August of this year.
Keep in mind this is 2002 a good 3 years since my HIV
decided to turn on me and in the process cripple me
physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I now
was that Playgirl Centerfold from the 90's who spoke out
about living a healthy HIV lifestyle. Making HIV look sexy
with provocative pictures and never thinking the impact it
would have on the disease or myself years later.
Seeing how HIV/AIDS medications are marketed today and
stories similar to mine years ago have taken the FEAR out of
being exposed. Yes it can be managed, but you have to be
one hell of a strong person who is secure with themselves
able to deal with the good along with the bad. I thought I
was one of those people, I tried real hard but in the end
was not. To be a Larry Kramer suddenly was out of reach,
though my reality said I was more than just a pretty face
wanting to be an AIDS Activist. Never sorry, embarrassed,
or having regrets in my past other than hoping whoever is
reading this may relate to my life lessons along the way.
Personally, looking back on my life I feel homosexuals and
Lesbians like Transsexuals know we are different or
uncomfortable in our own skin but have almost a built in gay
innocence we are born with. Some choose to put up those
infamous walls or rawhide skins to protect, hide, or
disguise one's real feelings. It took years for me to see
what coming out really meant and the reasons behind it.
Coming out to friends who suspected you were is one thing,
but to your job and family is another. If there is such a
thing as one's gay innocence then it is a feeling I remember
the most fondly and cherish those feelings of before and
after. Like the first kiss, or having a crush on someone.
But that Gay innocence that slowly begins to get chipped
away and when all is said and done hopefully you ended up a
beautiful well rounded gem and not some jaded stone.
You know how they tell actors to have something to fall
back on in case it doesn't work out, well this is where I
was living in the moment and not thinking. The pressure in
our culture to have that perfect body, well endowed, or have
the connections to the "in crowd" to name a few just to feel
that you are a part of the gay community which brings me
back to coming out.
In the gay culture their judgments hurt the most. Don't
cry for me, I will be okay. But sadly seeing how one feels
good about themselves and loves who they are begin to
compromise their belief system. Suddenly you are thirsted
back into a high school setting of come on everyone is doing
it. Either it be drugs, online sex, barebacking etc. In
today's day and age over 30 no longer considered a hottie,
but due to my age of 36 now given the title of daddy. Not
young, but old, awake, not tired, and the feeling of trying
to keep up with the youth just coming out is INSANE. When I
came out it was the day of self discovery that I was not
alone and not to feel ashamed for their were places to go
with other gay people, no longer thinking they were "seedy,
evil, dark, or mysterious" people you only would see in an
occasional movie or hinted on a TV show. Real people having
real friendships and loving relationships. A Confirmed
Catholic my relationship with Jesus Christ is one of
confusion, anger, and pain when expressed to me through
Priests, pastors, and clergy but all negative and judgment
aside I have nothing but an abundance of LOVE for Him. I
bring this up for if not for my faith in Christ I wouldn't
be here. I have to express that to you without bible
thumping. If ever you feel unloved or alone, trust in the
Lord or have a spiritual base in place. One that you can
count on and trust in.
After my Playgirl Centerfold and a decade of male
dancing decadence What I mean about natural state is, no
buff, no fluff, or powder-puff. Just two men that went from
"riches to rags" within one year a direct result of the
illness and ultimately the closing of our 20-year-old
healthcare business. The raising of David's three kids, who
have since become adults via the Red Eye La-OK-South beach
Miami, you know the type real hands on parents. Seriously
though with what we had to work with and how people worked
us it is amazing they are all in college to this day looking
out for not just there father, but myself included as told
by them. One notable difference is that instead of daddy it
is Aunt Tom.
From the ridiculous to reality, Plastic to Pancreatitis,
Special K to a balanced breakfast, the gym to using a cane,
Steroids to Cortisone Injections for Chronic Arthritis,
Dildo's to a yearly Colonoscopy, High Fashion to elastic
waistbands, your best friend a Post/Party/host Transsexual
to adopting a 2 week old Capuchin Monkey who is now 6 years
old, going to the Opening of an Envelope to fearing the
worse in ways of HIV/AIDS Government cuts, Jeffrey Sanker to
Ariel Sharone, 976 to 5309, AOL Chat rooms to IRS online
help. WE are trying to make ends meet living on SSDI and
fighting the disease/politics/and business of AIDS on a
daily basis.
We fill out more paperwork, apply for food stamps,
section 8 housing, HOPWA, HAART therapies, available drug
trials, and still coping with the mental abuse/shame/ and
being taken advantage of by the very same family I lifted up
on National Television/& in print numerous times as my
support system. Only to wake up one day and have them leave
us without transportation. Can you say re-possess MY CAR! If
they kicked me any lower, it would have been into my grave.
However, I do not own a plot to be buried in unless you see
a plot in this "quasi" short story or a point for mama is on
a roll.
From Circuit Party diva deluxe cover boy to Oklahoma's soup
kitchens looking for a meal. I am 8 years sober, but so
intoxicated from a plethora of medications non of which will
prepare me for loosing David first. David is 15 years my
senior, and the thought I cannot bear to imagine is my life
without him. It has happened before just like in Terms of
Endearment when Shirley McClain says, "Give my daughter the
shot! She is in Pain, Give her the God damn shot!" Compose,
release, breath and scene. All kidding aside, dish, rumor,
and melodrama to be single today looking for that soul-mate
and not just a bedmate, to be understood, respected,
allowing you and your partner to grow not into ONE Living
Beast with 2 backs, but hopefully into 2 amazing people, who
are secure within themselves, honest and open when dealing
with revealing and I am not talking about how big it is. I
was once quoted as saying "honesty is the way to Monogamy"
or was that George Michael. With a little patience in
letting each other grow without being judged/blamed/or
having lapsed into a coma actually thinking you have the
power to change someone to fit your agenda or idea of the
Perfect Husband. Then my friend you better start taking
applications now cause "it ain't gonna happen not now not
ever". If this means you are in the sit, spin, hurl and
twirl portion of the program by all means knock yourself out
expecting nothing in return but fun filled memory's, hoping
of course your memory survived the first 2 nights awake with
no sleep/water/food/or condoms while on your now infamous
Britney Spears Video premiere "we have to party for her"
weekend that started suspiciously at 3:30pm on TRL that Wed
afternoon ending a tad ripe with the smell of "S-CUM"
attached to your body praying your partner will call for
Carol Ann to help put you to bed and then proceed to beat
the truth out of you the following morning. Not in front of
Barbara from Rebook of course... If you survived that
cocktail/mission weekend while reserving a place in hell
thinking your beloved partner is doing what you assume he
always does, which is sitting and knitting at home feeling
no jealousy for you have an understanding. A word from
experience I come from that place of understanding and it
wasn't until my partner described to me what it was like for
him baking and beaten, or sitting and knitting all the while
I was visiting friends, lets just say that was when I
realized he was doing the same thing I was.
Not being on the same page with David, my partner has been
tested in more ways than one, however today in good and in
bad as cliché' as it sounds I wouldn't trade it for the
world, but that would be a lie. I would trade it all in if I
was promised to have more time learning, listening, and
loving him 10'x more then I have and to set all the petty,
party, pick-ups, and our HIV Positive test aside, for he has
given me the ultimate strength and support by being not on
the side, but beside me still and forever always.
Back
God be with You,
Tom
"I would rather have 30 minutes of Wonderful, than a
lifetime of nothing special."
