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When I saw this American Greetings card on the shelf while I was shopping, the image of this young boy brought tears to my eyes. If you are a gay man you know what I am talking about. At an early age I always knew I was different, special. However, from an early age I never quite fit in. I was taunted, bullied and teased my childhood and teenage years maliciously. I can remember many times crying because I had no friends growing up. Sitting sideline watching everyone else enjoy life. I guess that is why Jesus became such a driving force in my existence. He loved me and instead of an imaginary friend I talked to him. For in my heart he was real. I tried to make sense of why I felt the way I did. I was told not to play with dolls or be involved with "girly" things. This at a young age is stereotypical of gay youth. Not all gay men before they came out played with dolls, or only had all girls as friends or were effeminate. This was my case. Sex was not an issue I was too young. Being gay is more about your identity then it is about your sexuality. What happens is that you are told you are a decadent, evil, pervert condemned to hell and you have to hide. Hence the title "living in the closet." Well, I am here to tell you after the beatings, insecurity, and hearing FAG for the hundredth thousand time I HAD ENOUGH! How dare anyone tell me that I am evil. How dare anyone punish me for loving someone else. How dare anyone deprive me of being me...... On this day thousands of men and women are going to come out around the country to let their loved ones know they are gay. The courage it takes to stand up for yourself and say I am gay is probably the hardest, but most important time in your life. It was for me and you have no idea how hard it was for David. A married man with 2 young kids, one on the way at Christmas time. I just came out and accepted myself for the way I was created and celebrated my soul finally being free. It was hard on my family but nowhere near as hard as it was for David. Sure your parents and siblings are devastated and confused. However your life is to go on and make a life for yourself gay or straight. You leave the nest. For David he created a nest. He married and thought his homosexuality would go away like most men of that era. When we met he being 32 and I a very mature 16 year old (2 months from being 17. I am not going to paint a picture for anyone that David was some pedophile he was anything but that) knew at that moment that we were soulmates. At least I did. He feel in love with me as he tells it, was that I was so accepting of myself and had no self hatred that he wanted that freedom and peace of mind. I say he was infatuated with me and I really at that age did not have really any idea what true love was. But we both held hands took a deep breath and jumped. Through good times and bad times he was always there and after 15 years now together things have changed but my love for him is greater still. I cherish my "coming out" to my best friend Tonya when I was 15. I remember as a sophomore in High-School hanging out around the cheerleaders and she was friends with a girl name Christy (who I later dated my junior year). She has the most infectious laugh and to this day we are still best friends. We have had some really rocky times and even didn't speak for spans of years on and off. My heart has softened, and in a time of the unknown with my companion awaiting his disability money, with the tables turned financially for us she and Bruce (her husband- to- be) have been there to help us through this very tough time. She said she never forgot how we spent so much money on her over the years and she wanted to do for us now. What she doesn't know is that as much as I appreciate the financial help it is her UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for David and I that means the most. Seeing her do all she has for us, making us laugh, picking up meds, groceries etc. while we wait for stability brings me back to that very night of saying to her "Tonya, I am gay." She was shocked and did cry but later realized I was her friend and nothing changed. She was the catalyst in my growth. She is my past, my future, and my present. My other friends over the years could not understand why I was friends with her after all that she had done to me. It was a two way street and I have grown up and so has she. We joke about some really horrible times but we both cannot explain this bond we have that will not go away. I can explain it now. When I look at her I realize she has known me longer then David, she knows "MY STORY", where I came from and she was the very first person to extend her hand in love and friendship when I came out. How can I let that go. How could I not have her in my life. She had the car, the money, and the adventure to come into my world and support me the whole way. I am not promoting going to gay clubs at 15 with a fake ID (it was 18 in the early 80's) but that is all their was to do here in Oklahoma. We didn't have a National Coming OUT day back then. We had no parades, no real literature, only exploration of who I am from living the so called "gay lifestyle". Being thrown out of the house at 16 later on and meeting David just months earlier was too much to handle. To top it off I dropped out of school my senior year, was in a volatile relationship, promiscuous, raped and my friendship with Tonya ended I felt so alone once again. Just like the little boy you see above. I had come full circle and even though I was out and proud I FELT SO ALONE....NOT CONNECTED.......NOT WORTH ANYTHING COMING OUT DOES NOT SOLVE ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS THEY CAN JUST BEGIN. For the first time I asked WHY GOD, WHY ME? Words you will never hear pass my lips ever again. |