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Journey'98
part I

Dear Todd...
A letter from Rev. Mel

Journey '98

"My god, I can't believe he's gay?" "What a waste."

You have no idea how many times I have heard these things. I tried in my teen years even while I was with David. I had to know if I may be straight and just didn't know it. Well, I am here to tell you GOD CREATED ME BY DESIGN NOT BY MY CHOICE. You just don't wake up one day and say, "Hey I am going to be straight today." That is like me having my own Exodus seminar on HOW TO BE GAY. Yeah come on in dad or brother and let me tell youn how to be gay. You cannot teach that.

Being gay is not about sex. HomoSEXuality is not what that means. I love another man as I do myself. I love one GOD. For those who think sex between two men or two women is "UNNATURAL" or (my favorite) "DISGUSTING" then so be it. But you are not in love with me. You are not in my bedroom. You are judging me. You do not see how I and my companion live. His children being a huge part of both our lives, the friendship, the good times and the bad, our business together, our families and the love they have for us both.

We have been very blessed and it is because I accept myself and love who I am not what you perceive me to be. To think that we are decadent human beings saddens me. What did the Jewish people do to deserve death in the holocaust, or the African man to be enslaved and be treated as second class citizens. Nothing...MAN did this. Man preached the hate with no GOD that I know on their side. They have to answer to him.

Read Matthew 7:2 also maybe we can all begin to do what JESUS asked us to do. To love one GOD with all your heart, mind and soul. To love each other as you do yourself. If being labeled GAY is all I am how sorry I am for you that you did not get to know me. My heart is soft and my GOD LOVES US ALL. I refuse to hate and will not tolerate negative energy.

So to you Judy Birch, Terry Lott, the Christian Coalition, Jesse Helms, and the rest of you who do not understand the meaning of the word LOVE ............ I forgive you.

I completed my project for MTV and got a call from my "kindred spirit" Jehane telling me that I had gotten eleven minutes of airtime. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream, I wanted to jump up and down, then I realized that whatever I did GOD was my director, editor, and supporter. He once again came through for me and all I could do was praise him. My prayer is that when this airs it will stir controversy. I will have people cry, laugh, think, get angry, and most important think about their relationship with GOD.

We all have a purpose in life. Mine just happened to be a gay man with a terminal illness that has beaten the odds. I made a promise to GOD that fateful day May 22, 1994. I promised I would share my story of HIV to the world, on living your life to the fullest for no one is promised tomorrow. Little did I know that those past 4 years was my rehearsal to speak of something more awesome­GOD'S LOVE and his son, my hero JESUS CHRIST !!!!!!

So finally after this revelation you would think I would be closer to my church and to all people. I was wrong. I was much happier when earth was my church and I had my downtime as well as my uptime with GOD and my writings in my JESUS journal alone...No one to frown upon me.. No judgments.... I stopped going to my church the latter part of Aug and Sept to regroup. I didn't even go to my fellowship bible meetings for I was just so tired of "proclaiming my GAY CHRISTIANITY."

I spoke to my godmother Becky about it. She had called me out of concern since I was not around. I asked if she and I could see my mentor Cole, my fellowship bible study teacher, and see if I could meet them both an hour before the group meeting. They agreed and I went with a friend of mine who is dealing with his own issues of homosexuality and fear. I started talking and talking, then I showed the NIGHTLINE piece with Judy Birch.

Finally, after my long winded chat Cole said to me in 2 sentences ssomething that forever changed my way of thinking. "Thom are you here to impress man, or are you here to impress GOD." Need I say any more.

I am back in church and bible study. I have gotten rid of the label GAY CHRISTIAN for you don't hear heterosexual Christian. If someone asks about my life then I will be honest and say I am a homosexual in a relationship. That will be all. No more defense and no more shame. Only love for those good and bad.

I do want to thank MTV, Jennifer, Mona, and the editor of the segment, My family immediate and extended for being honest and open about their feelings, my friends who put up with me, Tonya (for letting me use her cyber cafe while my computer was down) and Ed for filming my endless drama. My step-kids 18, 16, 14 for being such a huge part of my life and for willing to let me show America just how functional our lives are.I know it was tough for you guys and girls but I hope and pray that you will see the good in this and how you yourselves have participated in something wonderful and special.

To David, my best friend, soulmate, and companion for the last fifteen years. I hope to spend another fifteen or more with you. You are my everything. Your support, understanding, and most of all your love for me uncondtionally is a gift that I only hope to live up to for you. Not to mention the sharing of your childrens' lives with me.

To the little hairy beast my beloved primate Rolex.

Oh, also to UPS for their speedy service and delievery..NOT!!!

Most of all I want to take this opportunity to thank from the bottom of my heart a young woman who listened to me for countless hours crying, laughing, angry, and confused. For always being supportive and driven to get the best from me. For helping me evolve by pushing me to go where I didn't think I had the courage to go if she didn't believe in me.

For her countless hours transcribing (with her 2 assistants) all the footage to words, watching the videos over and over again, being oversaturated with my drama and never once complaining. This is a true angel on earth. I have met others and look forward to the day I can wrap my arms around her and tell her that I love her.

Jehane thank you so much for being my friend when I just couldn't trust in people anymore. To this project we did together as a labor love, education and understanding for those countless young gay men and women out there who have no idea that GOD loves them. If this can touch one person's soul or help change a life we have done our job. Regardless of ratings and controversy you will never be forgotten. You are embedded in my heart and soul, forever.

In closing I shared this with Jehane after I got this from my YOGA teacher as an affirmation. (Jehane had told me she had gotten it from an old boyfriend... Coincidence???)

Risks:
To laugh is to Risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to Risk appearing sentimental
To reach out to another is to Risk involvement
To explore feelings is to Risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas, your dreams, before the crowd Is to Risk Loss
To love is to Risk not being loved in return
To live is to Risk dying
To hope is to Risk despair
To try at all is to Risk failure

But... Risk we must because the tragedy in life is to Risk nothing at all.

The man, the woman who Risks nothing Does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.

This is how I have lived my life. However, there are some Risks in life that you take that, in retrospect, seem careless and ignorant. The most valuable learning experiences we have as humans come from our mistakes. Hopefully, over time, you can grow from them.

I feel that wisdom comes from paying attention and being alert. We are all capable of wisdom, we just need to open our minds to allow it to flow and then make sense of the information that comes to us. We need to learn to determine what is useless and of value to us, which is definitely an individual matter from person to person..

GOD BLESS YOU ALL, IN LIGHT, IN LOVE, IN PEACE.

TOM COLVIN.....