New Testament
Survival II

Salvation!
Book III

As promised I am not abandoning this website with information on HIV/AIDS. My webmaster and I have started a new additional website domain www.thomcollins.com that is now going to be a business site that we have started with some investors. The company is called C. M. C. Enterprises.

This original website www.thomcollins.com/oyh/thomcollins has been up for 2 years and I have every intention of updating it and sharing my soul and struggles with all of you as I have in the past.

The two sites will compliment one another. It is up to you the reader if you want to explore the other areas of my life that we are now in production and will be up Jan. 1st 1999.

NOW LETS GET TO THIS PAST YEAR......

It is December 10, 1998, and in 5 days I will relive December 15th 1998 as the day my life changed when I tested HIV positive. If you have not kept up with my story you will say how am I claiming to be 15 years HIV positive instead of 13. I was exposed as early as 1982 and 1983. So technically after the 15th I will be going on 16 YEARS HIV POSITIVE.....

You know how I feel about numbers, but it is a milestone for me being that I was told I had 6 months to a year to live. Plus I hope it will inspire and educate you. That is why I share my progression good and bad with you with this site. However I am not a Dr. and I am not here to have you mimic my treatments or my life we are all different. What works for me may not work for you. So I always stress to do your homework and make educated decisions with your disease

I updated the last installment to the SURVIVAL BIBLE "SALVATION PAGE" in March. So much has changed and happened in my life that I don't know where to start.

This is why I decided to call this folder for the end of 1998 "JUDGMENT."

I felt that this past year was full of judgement from others including God. So March came and went and I had high hopes and felt great. Things were not going really well for David and I financially and he was beginning to show signs of getting ill. I began to step in. Our business' were obviously ending because of health care reform and the government and pretty much destroyed all we had worked for.

David who has been in the Medical Business for over 30 years was facing the concept that it was coming to an end. He was not taking care of himself and the stress of keeping things together were taking their toll not only on him but the ones who love him so much. My mom who worked also with us for over 13 years took notice and we set him down and began the process of getting him to declare his social security and get on his disability insurance.

This was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. His health was deteriorating for 3 years since he had Herpes Meningitis and almost died.

He should have never gone back to work. But because he owned the business he was able to carry on, I should have stepped in then but I could not ask him to think about his health. When in his world he felt he was defined in his mind by his job, prestige, in control, and most of all MONEY....

This is where OPEN Your HEART comes in. In the latter part of 1997 I had bowed out of running the foundation and found an administrator David Hutchings that took over. I knew my limitations and after 3 years of pushing and fighting for grant money and donations, David and I put together with our funds (the pwa home, the clinic, meds, support groups, the staff, etc.), it began to take it's toll on us financially, but most of all emotionally.

STRESS CAME KNOCKING LOUD AND CLEAR ON MY DOOR.

When we did receive the last of 2 grants which was $2,500 from DIFFA, OYH's doors and programs were closed physically, but we still kept the phones on as long as we could (1 more year) and serviced the community for resource and information. Also the $2,500 dollars was used for what it was intended for and that was medical attention and medication.

I went to the event thrown by DIFFA to get OYH's check and I said this... "thank you all for this on behalf of OYH's staff and the people with HIV/AIDS, However I must admit that after 3 years of working for AIDS, it has been a hell of a lot easier living with HIV for 13 years. Then having to deal with all of the politics and hateful ways of the larger organizations trying to discourage the "newer" ones that are just trying to help. I am HIV positive and I just wanted to tell you that regardless of what happens to OYH in the future, My staff and I did our very best and I can sleep at night knowing I did everything in my power to contribute to this disease."

After that, OPEN YOUR HEART is still 501c3, We do not accept any more donations because we are reorganizing. This foundation is still active and I have every intention with my new site I spoke of earlier to contribute back into it and to be able to help anyone in need. So for anyone out there that wants to know what has happened to Open Your Heart, it is there and it will live again. So when it is reactivated you will hear about it, and I hope and pray to get your support. For no one person can do it alone.

I am up front and honest and I just wanted to clear the air on some misunderstandings on what happened. Finally, my website even though it is www.thomcollins.com/oyh/thomcollins as the domain name, this is not being funded by anyone else but me. This is why www.thomcollins.com will be publicized more, and you will STILL be able to link to the "IMMACULATE WEBSITE CONCEPTION." WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW.

Now that I have gone off on another tangent, back to the story of HIV/AIDS and David and I's health. When April rolled around I thought my life was over. ( you will have to read through my site to be updated why). From my slipped disk returning to torture me, Rolex my monkey almost dying, business ending, to the loss of this website on the server. For the first time in a long time my creed of being HIV positive no time to be negative was severely being tested.

I CURSED THE ANGELS AND WAS CONFUSED NOT TO MENTION ANGRY... GOD works in MYSTERIOUS WAYS. By the time June had arrived those events changed my life once again. Rolex is a diabetic and is doing fine, the website got back up and I got to rethink about so many other things to share with all of you, David's health got somewhat better and his SSI began to process (we are still waiting for assistance), but most of all I was re-baptized ironically on Gay Pride day with 23 others in a pool. It was a pivotal point in my evolvement. That is also when the day after I was re-baptized as Tom Colvin AKA THOM COLLINS I called MTV True Life and got picked to do their show on GOD and Spirituality. You can read more about this in the Exodus and GOD folders.

I just realized once again I have so much to say to all of you, so instead of repeating what you can read on other pages I am promising you from this point on it will only deal with the disease.

MY HEALTH WITH HIV FOR THE LAST YEAR.

I had my counts done in April and my viral load was 1200 and T-cells were 540. I have since not retested my counts. I am here to tell you other then the HIV fatigue and the daily grind I am doing great physically. I started Yoga in April and began lifting weights again. I spoke of the possibility after my slipped disk that I may not be able to lift weights again. If their is a will their is a way. I am not as attached to my regime as I use to be however, I have never been more physically fit. But sometimes severly fatigued and nauseated, so it's still no cake walk living 16 years with HIV.

YOGA mixed with my weight-training has given me a new more improved body image and spirit. I think change is good in anything that you do. Plus exercise is important in any form with this disease next to eating right.

I also became a ovo-lacto vegetarian for almost 8 months and it has made a difference it is a lifestyle and it is not as hard as you think. No more meats and most of all TUNA...

As for my HIV meds: I only take to this day 2 Combivir(azt and 3tc combined in one pill), 1-200 mgs of AZT in the afternoon, 1cc 200mgs of testosterone therapy once a week, zantac and xanax.

I said in my last installment on the salvation page about viral loads and the push for undetectable virus in the blood. I have been accused of saying it means nothing as you can read in the latest issue of POZ, I was ahead of my own intuition.. It does to me in some ways, but I have a right to my opinion not to mention the cost. I believe still to this day that a positive attitude and how your body feels is what is most important.

There are exceptions to my rule for my body as I learned with David.

He is on the cocktail therapy and I hate watching what all those pills are doing to him. I get yelled at by his Doctors for discouraging him. He feels horrible most of the day and the stress of trying to make ends meet and the powers that be in the system and politics of AIDS care takes it's toll when you are have no income and fighting for good care.

I don't see how a couple like David and myself who are both either sick, or having difficulties with the meds can carry on and make it work. I am thankful to GOD that I am able to care for him.

My hat is off to anyone who are in a relationship when both are ill having a double whammy of fighting to survive. I never thought after 13 years that David who has fought this disease off that it would come knocking on our doors. Me the melodramatic one always thought if it was my destiny, I would go first. I have many issues watching him be ill, his kids dealing with this, and me who feels the guilt of exposing him to this virus. But my godfather said I have to forgive myself and carry on. This is not about me, it is about David and my support, care, and love for him.

He is older 47, and he has been ill before so this is all new to me and once again a new hurdle to overcome. I have seen what this disease can do and what it is capable of. What I am trying to say is for the first time I AM REALLY SCARED.

TWO days ago I took him to another doctor and we felt a relief that his other doctor was not giving. I have new hope finding this doctor for David and I urge any of you who is dealing with this situation to make sure your needs are being met and you are being heard also be sure to be surrounded with love from family and friends.

Any of you out there taking care of a loved one with this disease, whether it is progression, depression, or the meds and they are frustrated with their care. STEP IN... Help them find the security they need to keep them in a peaceful frame of mind.

KEEP THEIR HOPE ALIVE AND WELL

I must admit in the beginning when he started to show signs of not feeling well I was running scared and confused. I never left him but I was not the most supportive. This is something I am not proud of. I just had to get a grip. To say the least. When you love someone and look to them for guidance, love, and support all of your life and then the time comes when the tables turn and you are the one they look to it is a rude awakening if you are not prepared.

I have always said I know my faults and my personality defects from impatience, anger, and the worst being selfish. I have been working on all of those this year. I am by far not the same person. This time in my life has made me GROW UP even more.

That is why you have to see that "LIFE IS A LESSON" and things do happen for a reason good and bad. You have to learn from your experiences and you will evolve to become a better person, not only for you, but for the ones that love you. I am no saint, I have much work to do as we all do. No one is perfect. I hope by sharing my inner most fears, thoughts, and dreams that you can identify with some of this and realize that you are not the only one that feels a certain way. We are all in this together and we have to support one another.

I hated myself for the way I handled David and his illness, however sharing my story with others on e-mail and the Internet I realized I was not the only one. Now I am sharing it with you openly and honestly. GOD has pulled me through most of this and that is why FAITH is so important to me not to mention all of your supportive letters from the net, not only to me but to David as well.

God, He understands, listens, and will always forgive if you ask. He will guide you in time of need and love you unconditionally. He knows when your time is. When you ask for his help remember not only to ask in your prayers when you are in time of need. Thank him daily for the time you have today and the people that love and care for you. Take pride in who you are and carry on to the best of your abilities.

Never take love or life for granted, they are the truest gifts that GOD has given us. LOVE IS UNDERSTANDING.

So if you are dealing with anything that I have said please remember to keep your faith at the top of your list. Whatever that may be.

So in closing, the reason why I called this folder "JUDGMENT" is because regardless of where you are in your disease, your family, your friends, your health, your fears, etc.

Man will always play judge and persecute you in some way. I learned that this last couple months. Read Matthew 7:2 in your bible.

We come into the world alone, and we will leave alone everything is temporary. It is all GOD'S PROPERTY on loan to us.

Take this advice from me if you take anything at all I have said.

Exist to impress GOD, not man!

GOD, He is the ONLY true judge.

GO IN PEACE MY FRIENDS, GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

THOM

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