Thom Collins - Biographical Info

The Resurrection Book 6

This next addition to my long term survival bible journal is going to be very hard, in-depth and the most personal to date. I have shared my life with all of you for over two years now on line dealing with this disease from the time I tested to the present.

First let me say that in my 16 years as a long term survivor, testing HIV positive was the easy part. This journey I have been on has been scary, painful, joyful, spiritual, angry, loving, caring, compassionate, selfish, and most of all educational. I have learned so much about myself living day to day as this disease begins to take effect on all aspects of my life.

Years ago when I tested I was told I would die within 2 years. I didn't. I immersed myself into addictions to escape the pain, leaned on my companion for fear of dying alone someday, and never took the time to really appreciate my life until my suicide attempt May 22, 1994.

The last installment to this book was about my struggles with the government, my companion being ill, and SSDI (social security disability insurance). Well, since then I have been turned down and now I am in the process of my first appeal. I have been told it will be very difficult for me at the ripe OLE age of 32 to get it to pass through.

Being that I am physically fit and I have not been hospitalized, I am considered a GENETIC HIV FREAK! I have never felt so much pain and punishment for surviving this long. I did fight and work for 16 years, knowing 2 years ago that my body was telling me to slow down and take care of myself.

From my HIV chronic illness (night sweats, neuropathy, joint pain, headaches, fatigue, lack of energy, low grade fever, nausea, depression, etc.) my case is hard to prove. This makes me very angry. I have been going to specialists that I cannot afford, living on food stamps as my only income, making it with no insurance, and dealing with major clinical depression.

I am not going to give up! I am a fighter and the government is going to see that.

Don't cry for me homosexuals/heterosexuals? I am sure that some of you out there are fighting the fight as I am but with opportunistic infections. You may think, "Oh the poor baby has joint pain" as you deal with CMV or Kaposi Sarcoma. I mean the list does go on. I have to fight even harder to get what is rightfully mine because I do not appear physically sick to where you can touch it, take a picture of it, or visit me in the hospital; it is all too much of a cross to bear.

It is just like a domestic violence case. They can't do anything until you are hit and a bruise shows. It is so frustrating to go to a doctor and hear him say, "Thom you look great; your counts are good and you should get a job." I just say right back I did get a job and worked for years even though I was told I would die in two. I fought the good fight and now my body is tired. I mean mentally, physically, and dammit HIV tired.

That adds such insult to injury. Can you relate? Are you one of the many who tested in the early 80's when you were told you would die, had to keep it a secret, do the best you could to get through your day emotionally as you worked knowing that you HAD THE DREADED PLAGUE?

I did. In some eyes I was spoiled by having the very difficult job of modeling, hairdressing, selling clothes etc. No, I did not graduate or go to college mainly because I was thrown out of my home for being gay and was run out of school, but I survived with no regrets.

I have also been accused of living off of my companion as well. He was very wealthy when we met and he shared that with me. However, money does not buy happiness or sanity. He leaned on me and I leaned on him. We love each other and always will no matter what happens in the future.

We all have our own dramas. I am not complaining. I worked hard to get to this point and to achieve my personal dreams of success, all the while knowing that I had HIV.

I want to enjoy my life in its quality, not its quantity. The psyche of the mind is so important in living a healthy, happy life. I just want the same luxury of having joy in my life once again. To be able to have one day that I am not being faced with paperwork, IRS, bill collectors, etc. I live each day as if it were my last, hounded by this disease like a dog chasing a scared child down the street as I watch another dog eat my companion in the distance.

Don't patronize me by saying you also have bills to pay, a job to go to you don't like, or you feel that it is my time to pay the piper. Well, until you walk in those shoes I just described above, do me a favor and DO NOT TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL!

This last year David and I have been financially devastated. I have lost everything that is material, not to mention all my generation of friends I came out with. That does not bother me. I have tasted money and I have love in my life as well as my fond memories of those since past.

I have been dealing with the IRS from my closed company through an assessment. That does not bother me. I have a sick companion, 3 kids, no insurance, charities with so much red tape and paperwork you wonder where all the money for AIDS is going.

This BOTHERS ME. I can't help anyone if I can't even help myself. In the last couple of months I have finally started to see a psychotherapist to help me with my hopelessness, clinical depression and worry. I am 32 but feel 50. I, like some of you, have to fight even harder to survive in this world dealing with AIDS.

The only peace I can find these days is my daily time with GOD.

"In my weakness his strength is made perfect still" is a favorite scripture of mine. Boy that is the truth. My faith has carried me through so much of this, but as the namesake of the disciple "doubting" Thomas, I too have found myself questioning GOD and asking him "hey GOD, WHAT IS UP?"

I may joke about it, but he knows my destiny. I trust him fully knowing that the lessons that I have learned in the past months are so revealing that I am praising him now. One thing he revealed to me is my PRIDE. We all have it and we all use it. I am not speaking of GAY PRIDE. I am speaking of how your ego and pride--like mine--got in the way of asking for help from others. I was always the one to give help, never feeling or needing to ask for it.

I finally had to swallow my pride, put my ego in my pocket, and have my heart on my sleeve and go to the local AIDS charity and say, "Hey I need help. I can't do this alone. I am depressed, scared, frustrated, and broke." The word HELP was not in my vocabulary.

It was a revelation. David and I received the help we needed at the time ranging from medication to housing to medical/mental assistance. But it was not easy. Once I asked for the help, more issues began. To make matters even worse, David's ex-wife, whom I have formed a friendship with, is fighting him for half of his social security for back child support--even though we have raised his oldest and his kids have never gone without. Oh the drama here in Oklahoma.

You learn the hard way just how complex the system is when you are in true need. Plus, you begin to see a greed in people without compassion who kick people when they are down.

Yes, there are some charities out there that make the transition comfortable in a way that makes you feel good and somewhat secure. I have seen first hand how a charity works being that David and I, along with many others started The Open Your Heart foundation in the early 90's.

I am sure if you know my history you saw my passion either on TV or read about the foundation in one of my many interviews. I wanted to do something for HIV/AIDS patients by making a difference. To take the stress out of their lives and let them LIVE!!!!! To remove the worry about where their next meal is going to come from, or how to find a place to live, medical attention, support group, to even paying an electric bill.

Open your Heart is still a foundation, but it is going to be a private one. It closed when David took ill and we could no longer fight for grants to keep it running. Our 501c3 status has just lapsed and I am very proud of the work we all did for HIV/AIDS. It was not a failure. I am reminded of this by people here in Oklahoma who tell me how much the work we did is missed. I hope to be able to help again.

Now I am on the other side of the fence. I need help. I have now witnessed that stress is also among those individuals who have to work with the HIV/AIDS clients. I got the chance to meet with Kay Holiday, who is executive director at Carepoint in Oklahoma City, of one of the largest AIDS charities in Oklahoma.

David had written a nasty letter to one of the caseworkers there and I went to clean up the mess. It was not that I did not agree with what David was trying to convey, I just think that yelling and name calling gets you nowhere in life. Been there done that. I don't blame him for his actions. He is his own person.

We spoke for almost 2 hours about my fears and frustrations of how I was getting the run around and bills were getting to cutoff points when we were reassured that they would be taken care of, which in turn causes us more stress as well. She told me how many cases they have there and how she was short on staff. Talk about GOD revealing to me what it means to be humble.

I never treated or presented our case to them like it was ALL ABOUT DAVID AND THOM. I am not selfish that way. I know there are others in line. I wanted answers as to why we were told one thing and nothing was done. It is a very scary feeling when someone else is calling the shots on your payments for bills etc. It was the way she comforted me and reassured me that mistakes were made. She would take care of it the best she could.

See now that is what I found educational. You cannot be scared to go to the top if your stress gets too much to bear, or feel unheard, treated unkindly, or your needs are not being met. Meeting her was the best thing I could have done in our situation. I wanted to talk to her prior but I figured out that maybe this is how they run the show. It took a nasty letter from David to make me see her. I did not want to bite the hand that fed me, but I learned that if you don't speak up you will go hungry.

I am not just talking about food either. I suggest that you not only look for what those are "NOT DOING," but take time also to "Thank Those" for helping. I am not a big card person, but I have always acknowledged them with a card and a thank you for taking time to help us. They do the best they can and I really do appreciate the hard work of volunteers, as well as the little extras some charities do to reach their clients.

We are all very blessed to have somewhere to turn to in that time of need. So just take some time to say Thank you; don't be bitter.

OK enough on charity. Now lets talk about Thom's clinical depression. You know that creed I have? "I am HIV positive. I have no time to be negative"? Well, I would not say I am negative, but I am not in a safe place. Have you ever seen those commercials on depression?

Do you have no energy, lack of appetite, hopelessness, uncontrollable crying, etc.? Well, that is me. My honesty allows me to share this part of my life with you. I have learned so much about the REAL ME from this disease in the last 5 years that I hope you don't view this as complaining, but welcome it as another soul sharing.

I have been so very blessed that many would wonder what in the world could I be depressed about? Well, many things. I have fought manic depression for years. Xanax is my only crutch these days. Soon I will be on some form of medication to help me out. But I have chosen to try to look to my faith and therapist to find peace. I don't want anymore medications.

I have also learned that it is more fulfilling to be a PERSON than a PERSONALITY.

When I first started this website with my webmaster Mike, it was really about EGO at first--putting up some of my modeling work and my stats. I had no idea that this site would become a conduit of information, education, links, laughter, tears, and joy for so many. Not to mention my critics, which makes the pot even sweeter. I don't find anything wrong with someone who has an opinion of me, I just won't tolerate a judgment. (By the way, write to Mike and let him know how you appreciate his time, graphics, and efforts in creating this information for you all to read. You can only imagine how I must drive him crazy, but I love him so very much it would mean the world to me if you can give him the affirmation he deserves. Otherwise my story could not been told in this format. His e-mail is webguy@ou.edu).

Soul searching is a very intense thing to do. When you can look from the outside in at yourself sometimes you don't like what you see. Being that I am always evolving and growing with GOD, he reveals to me things that I need to change. Depression is a lonely place to be. But it has brought me to my knees to get closer to him.

You know how I have said in order it is GOD first, then family, friends, health, then work. Well, know I am not so sure. This may sound selfish but it is fact.

It now shall read:

1. GOD
2. THOM
3. FAMILY
4. FRIENDS
5. HEALTH
6 WORK

I have been one of those individuals who has always wanted to make others happy all my life, even sacrificing my own happiness for others. I was a control freak who thought if I was in control things would get done.

WRONG!!!!

It is OK to let others in. It is OK to cry openly, it is OK to get mad, it is OK to be scared. I have been told recently as I have changed my life around that I am too vulnerable now. I disagree. I do share much of my heart and soul with anyone who will listen. I have also learned that listening is not waiting for your turn to talk, which is an issue I have been fighting all my life. I am a chatterbox!

I found out that I dominate conversations for a reason. It is out of fear of being judged by the one I am speaking to. My mind would just ramble on with my mouth until I either bored the person to tears, or he retreated. All the while I was never really learning about what his feelings were, or a story that he wanted to share.

How self-absorbed could I have been! That was a rude awakening. I am still working on this, but I can witness that if you are like me and can SHUT UP once in a while to hear what others are saying you will also evolve into a better person. You will learn more about yourself and not live in your own private hell.

Here is an example. I finally allowed a select few into my life from the Internet. These were men and women who read about me, saw me on TV, or my website, etc. They shared their stories with me and thanked me for helping them. I was so very humbled for I have always felt I am just one of GOD'S many messengers doing the best I can, sharing my life openly so others can draw from my experiences and possibly learn something as I have learned from others.

In desperate times they would call and reassure me that they were there for me. I was always one who never trusted, which is an issue I have since dealt with. I figured they wanted something from me. For most of my life I have given and people have taken in all forms, leaving nothing left for me. My sanity at this point is all I had left. So to let anyone into my head NOT via e-mail was a scary thought.

The cards and gifts came first. That was my first sign of the innate goodness in people. I finally had to call them to thank them personally for lifting my spirits. Then financially last year things got really bad and money started to arrive. No strings attached. I found this odd and I had a guilt that I now carried in fear that I had no other choice but to be in contact with them or the guilt would eat me alive.

Then it hit me. GOD sent these wonderful ANGELS into my life to guide me through the pain, frustration, and fear. It took some time but I have formed some REAL friendships. I got to meet 2 of them this last month and I must say it was incredible. I will be meeting another this next week (Aug 22nd my 16th anniversary since David and I met) to celebrate a time of renewed faith in people, my ever-changing relationship with David, and new friendships.

The interesting thing is that they met and knew only of Tom Colvin. The personality Thom Collins was present but they embraced Tom. I laughed, cried, and even got neurotic on them but they were still there.

This is a testament to all of you who have also e mailed me. I don't pick and choose who makes an impression on my heart. It just happens. When I get online and insist on answering all my own mail it takes time.

If you are a true person you can understand and be patient. Your letters that are 2 sentences or 4 pages mean the world to me. I am reenergized by your support. So please understand that I am doing my best to keep up.

I have to thank you all again for your words of wisdom, cards, feelings, stories, etc. It is the support that you give me and I would never want to take advantage of this wonderful gift called the Internet via e-mail.

I just ask for your patience in my responses. I did take up to Typing 4, but as some of you have seen, sometimes my letters are so misspelled and short that you may be offended. For this I apologize. I have finally made peace with doing what I can in ways of answering mail. If it takes me 3 weeks to answer your letters correctly I would rather do that than hurt your feelings by making my letters short and generic.

You have to understand I lived in the big cities. Making true friends is very tough. It is a love relationship without the sex. It takes time and effort to form. Most of my so-called friends are still into drugs and have no interest in my drama. They only care about the next party, how fabulous they look, or who they know. I lived that life and know how lonely it can be. I cherish my memories of them and someday I hope to rekindle those friendships, but not at the cost of my needs.

I still have contact with a few who allow me to be me. Changing my playmates and playground has been a great thing for me. I really thought I knew it all, but there is a whole world out there that I am just now discovering.

This is why I am so depressed.

For years I have laughed about my molestation at 8, my rape at 16, my testing positive as a teenager, as well as being thrown out of my house for being gay. Those are just a select few of the things that I am just NOW coming to terms with.

The laughter and performing was a disguise for something so traumatic and painful that I was unable to show my tears. This website has helped me heal so much, but it was not until recently I was able to ask for help, swallow my pride/ego, confront my companion on our relationship and what it all meant, to form better, more lasting friendships, put GOD first, and rediscover that I am more than just a ___________. (you fill in the blank)

Whatever you may think of me is OK. I can no longer live in fear of your perception of me.

If you find me attractive I thank you for the compliment (even if the face is paid for). If you find me controversial, you are right. If you find me as someone using his disease for fame, what a shame. If you find me a hypocrite, look in the mirror first.

But most of all if you can look at me as your brother, GOD BLESS YOU.

My heart and soul are far more attractive, even though they are still in school learning how to walk, talk, feel, and to appreciate the REAL things in life. I am no saint, but a spirit full of life and love. I welcome my growth and I am not ashamed to say that I am scared, that I am unsure as to what will happen to me in ways of my relationship, my disease, my lack of intimacy, or my tears.

I have the love and support from my companion on finding my true happiness. That does not mean it has to come in the form of someone else, just that I have to be an individual. I can no longer be a "we". I have to be a "he." It is not his fault that I am where I am today emotionally. It is mine. But only I can change that. If you love someone as I do him and he does me we will always be connected -- always.

It is just now that I am realizing he was my age of 32 when he met me. We are 15 years apart. I went from a dysfunctional home to the streets to him. He was always somewhat of a father figure to me as well as a lover years ago. Now the last 6 years have been a bond of love and friendship, parenting, businesses, the disease, etc. We have done it all and for this I am grateful. He is the only one with the key to my heart.

When I told a dear friend, "You now have my heart in your hands, but you must care for it. Be careful not to break it." I told him if he could prove himself to me with honesty and trust, that is all I require for friendship. I said that only one has the key to my heart and that would be David. My friend replied "Tom, I don't think I would want it for it must be very heavy!". I loved him for that.

In this process of SELF LOVE, soul-searching, and discovery, I have learned that I never grew up. In some eyes I am immature. Maybe so, but I see it differently. I am stunted in so many ways. I have never been an individual. I always looked to others for direction. I always thought I was a leader not a follower. I really thought I knew it all.

But now it is time for me to find out who the hell I am. Thom Collins was the alter ego to disguise the pain. I am NOW just learning to love the little boy named Tom Colvin. It is a long journey ahead but I am welcoming it with open arms.

I just returned from New York City staying at friends in Hell's Kitchen. How convenient. This trip was to re-ignite Thom Collins. But this time as Tom Colvin. I did an interview with GYM magazine on HIV and Spirituality. I worked with an old friend named Richard Perez-Feria. He was the editor and chief of POZ magazine when I did that first major interview on coming out Positive. Now once again GOD works in mysterious ways and we hooked up together again.

I am so grateful to GYM magazine and my interviewer Mitch. It will be a 6 page layout with my story on staying in shape with HIV sometime in November or December. GYM is the first man's magazine that is not gay that will tackle this subject. I originally had talked to OUT magazine about doing something as the century is coming to a close.

They were less than interested. For whatever reason they passed on the story. I have no hard feelings. I just noticed that with all the issues on barebacking, more exposures, and then to see how all the ads in the magazine were for AIDS drugs, I wanted to comment on my struggles that the gay community could relate to.

I wanted them to see that I am not well, that AIDS is at my door, and to see the issues with the government and getting the help you need. I did not need another cover for my ego or the publicity to make me feel important. I guess they didn't want to bite the hand that feeds them.

So GOD got me to Richard and GYM magazine, which will reach all walks of life and not just our gay community.

Even though I agree with all the controversy on barebacking, I don't think it is anyone's business, gay or straight, what one does in the bedroom. If you don't want to wear a condom, just know that not only is HIV out there, but HCV, STD's, and genital warts to name a few.

It is your life do as you please. Just do us all a favor and don't ask "Why Me?" if it doesn't turn out the way you planned. Why not you? You know the risks, so don't play a victim. It insults me, who had no idea as a bullet proof gay teen on how it was transmitted years ago.

Plus, why are gays getting bashed for their unsafe practices? What about unwanted pregnancies? I guess the world still in its own way feels that it is a gay disease. How sad that is. It is propaganda having gay brother against gay brother now. We are judging each other.

Sorry, I got on a soapbox.

Anyway, I finished editing my first video called Thom Collins WET, did some print work for a new swimsuit line called FALLACO, an editorial on body hair and shaving, did a strip tease video with other dancers, and met some new contacts.

I was also meeting and making new friends. My therapist asked me where Tom goes to relax. I said New York City. The buzz of the city is so fast that I had no time to worry. Sounds crazy, but it was the time of my life. I was able to reflect, think, laugh, cry, etc. I needed that. I needed that time, I needed ......the word "I" is so powerful to me and means so much more than I ever realized. To be able to ask for or "need" is OK as well.

Thank you GOD for giving these gifts and realizations to me. To understand how to ask for help, how to put myself first after you of course, and not to be ashamed when I, Tom Colvin, am in need.

I make $112.00 a month in food stamps. My meds are finally being paid for through Ryan White, and I have made some progress. I am in a high bracket for benefits with SSDI. I am not going to jeopardize what is rightfully mine. I have to do something to survive. I can no longer sit around the house feeling sorry for myself as I await their judgment on if I am sick or not. So I have gone back to what I know: using my "celebrity" to bring awareness.

I was ill most of the time and hid it well. At one point on a shoot I puked (in private). Fun huh? I was weak and fatigued. The only way to keep my body going was my testosterone therapy. Someone took notice of me not feeling well and I panicked. I asked them not to tell the producer in fear that I may not work with them again.

I plan on going back to New York once a month to pick up what I can to make ends meet. My website at www.thomcollins.com /Thom 4 sale site is doing really well. There is a demand for "new stuff", so as long as I am able to I will. We just shot a whole series on recreating my new look as Steve Reeves.

I have long hair now and a beard. Plus I am a man, not a woman, Contrary to popular belief. My drag days are over?????

It is a strain and struggle. I am learning to help myself and to carry on the best I can. I just hope this doesn't kill me in the process. Death by modeling....snicker. ;)

Pray for me, David, and my family. We have hard work ahead of us.

Thank you for letting me open my heart up once again GOD to release me from this pain, to share with others something they may be going through, to reach out and ask for help, to also realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, for bringing new friends into my life, for allowing ME to be ME without guilt. I praise you GOD for all of your glory and your love in abundance for me your son Thomas, when I feel so all alone. Oh by the way tell Jesus I said hello.

GOD BLESS YOU BROTHERS AND SISTERS

Thom Collins