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This page has been broken up into separate pages for easier reading. Part II |
"IT'S
IN YOUR HANDS: Part II" Moving to LA and getting caught up in the drug world just put my spirit to sleep. I was running around chasing my tail. I did move back to Oklahoma in 1993 after 4 years of living there and going for my dreams like modeling, acting, and dancing. However the down time was like living in hell. When I got back to Oklahoma by pressure from my companion I was a mess. Drugs and parties ruled my life.....I kept searching and searching for love but was not getting it at home. So the next step was infidelity after 10 years together. We broke up and I moved to Houston and then to South Beach, Fla. all the while still searching for that something to fill this void in my heart. I did come home to try to work things out with David later that year by a long distance relationship. I had never been on my own I met him at 16 and really never grew up. I did there. My GOD does work in mysterious ways. But there is more..... When I did finally come home to Oklahoma he was a mess and I was better but not prepared for what was coming my way. The fight began on May 22, 1994 and last I recalled I was in the ER getting my stomach pumped. I had tried to take my own life with painkillers. Isn't that ironic.... As I laid there David stayed close by, but I was in and out of it and could not really notice what was going on until, I started to throwup. As I moved and thrashed with this tube down my mouth the iv. came loose and blood was going everywhere. I tried to tell the nurses of my HIV status so they would put on eyewear for the blood was going everywhere. They couldn't understand what I was saying because of the tube down my throat. I finally got out to this one nurse "I am HIV positive" This is when I had my vision of God... All got quiet, I could not hear nothing. It was like someone was turning down the radio to where there was no noise. I could see people almost in slow motion. I wept and laid back on the table. This one nurse who I swore to this day looked like an angel put her arm around me and said " "Is that why you tried to kill yourself?" Then before my eyes and ears I felt a presence in the room. A voice speaking to me of how selfish I was to try to take my own life because of drugs, and a bad relationship I would not try to help fix, selfish, and spoiled. The voice then said you must use this story of you and your disease to help motivate others to live on like you have. I know you feel I have turned my back on you child but I am here, I am here. Then the noise came back into the room louder and louder and my parents came in upset and I was aware of what just took place. Some will say I was hallucinating or being dramatic. I know in my heart what I heard and I made that promise in 1994 to share my story of HIV survival and the word of GOD. It is almost 4 years later. I have done what I can as many others before me have with HIV and Aids education. I started the "OPEN YOUR HEART FOUNDATION" which still does help people, not as much as the beginning but if you can help one you are doing more then most. David Hutchings (not my companion) has taken over as administrator for me the last year and has done a great job. I feel that not only is he a close friend but someone special sent by GOD. He came at a time when HIV burnout and charity work was affecting my health. I love him very much. AIDS is very personal to me and I will make myself and my story of living with HIV available to anyone who needs to see that if I can make it so can you. My story is only to inspire and to make you think about where you are in your lives. I have taken a drastic turn and I really believe that gays and lesbians need some form of spirituality in their lives. Be it GOD, Buddha, or Jesus. I am using what "celebrity" is left to help lead people into a direction of peace. HIV positive or negative this applies TO US ALL. If you do not believe in anything that a choice and I am not here to judge you for I do not believe in judgment of others. I only want to make you think about you and your life.
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