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White Party '98 |
Well it is March 27th, 1998 at 4am. After my website crashed I was confused and angry. After 2 years of hard work of sharing my story I didn't have the energy to try to make it work again. I had been on AOL for almost 4 years and I have made great friends and the website started out as a joke really. I had no idea of how many people really could relate to my story and to their lives. Bits and pieces, fun and laughter, education, and controversy. That is me. The last week I have been searching for all of my files that I did not back up to get the site back to the way it was, so I turned a negative experience into a positive one and now I am able to share with you more information and have learned how to keep my site alive and well. With the help of true friends my web designers Mike Steele and Matt Gismondi I am ready to begin again in a fresh new light that can only be GOD'S way. This mishap happened for a reason. I am in a new place in my life then when we first started the site 2 years ago. So I would like to share with you some of the many changes that have taken place. Who is Thom Collins? EMOTIONALLY: I am doing and growing everyday. Manic at times as I am depressed. My life is full and I am loved. My family, friends, and most of all GOD is all I need. I searched for years when all the time the tools I needed to live a happy life were right in front of me. Sounds like Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ but that movie rings so true to me now. I am so thankful for getting closer to my family over the last 4 years since my suicide attempt, my relationship with David is going on 15 years this August 22nd, his children are much a part of his life as they are mine, in helping raising his son has been a maturing experience something I will always treasure in my heart, the birth of my niece, the adoption of my monkey Rolex, my new found family at LIFE CHURCH, the sun, the trees, all the things in life that are free have helped free me emotionally to learn to love the person in the mirror I look at everyday I am blessed to wake up to a new day. The list is endless when you just take a good look around you, the people you hang with, the companion, the family but most of all if those are not there I have learned that GOD always is. He loves me and he loves you. What NOW, Thom Collins? Physically: This has been the hardest part to deal with. If you have read through my site you know that I am a 15 year HIV survivor with no progression to AIDS. However, I am a chronic HIV case with some symptoms such as lack of energy and being tired a lot of the time. I started medically prescribed testorone and it has helped but it is not perfect. To top it all off I have slipped the disk in my neck once again and this time it is no laughing matter. I am told that weights are not an option anymore. I hit an all time low with this news. I always prided myself on my appearance and my body. I have been working out for 15 years, so it was not fun news. At 31 you start to question everything especially when you are HIV positive. I am told by the neurologist that I have beat my body up for years and I could go back to the gym when it heals and take that chance of paralysis....I do not want surgery so I am going to take the high road. I am still the same person inside and if people cannot relate to me because I am not buffed and ripped then so be it. I have the option of YOGA and swimming. I plan on taking them both on full force. So my body image will change I will always be in shape in some form. but not the way I have been use too. I am very comfortable in my skin. I know why GOD makes us age and get old. He makes us young full of energy, looks, muscles, nice hair, skin, etc. Then as we get older are bodies begin to change the reason for this is if we stayed in a perfect state like we are at our prime then we would never want to die and go home....my home is heaven. I started to work on my soul years ago and I have said it many times my heart and soul are far more attractive then my outer beauty. I am blessed to have been a model and to have the so called "look" but I also know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I have found that in many many people and I hope as the years go on people can look past the outer appearance of THOM COLLINS and learn to love and like him for who he has become. Sometimes one has to look beyond the package to get to the gift... WHERE NOW, THOM? SPIRITUALLY: I have traveled all over this great country of ours. I have danced with the best, partied with them all, modeled in exotic locations, met famous people, appeared in movies, did all the drugs, had the sex, made great friends in the straight as well as gay communities, the talk shows, I have done it all..........the list could go on and on. I am not here tooting my horn about my dreams and accomplishments. What I am trying to convey is that I know where I will be next. It may be at a circuit event like Fire Island, or Palm Springs to name a few of the many events I have performed at over the many years. It may be on a talk show? Educating about HIV, Possibly a MOVIE, visiting friends in south beach, la, Texas, new York who knows???? I do... The one place I can guarantee that I will be is where my heart is and that is HOME.... I have realized that Thom Collins does not have to be out and about in or out of drag acting crazy to reach people. I am reaching you right now. I am touching your heart as so many of you have touched mine over the years. I have made thousands of friends in the 2 years that I have been on-line and I wish I could keep up with all of you on a personal basis. I do try my best. The letters of support, prayers, gifts, the endless bibles I cannot thankyou YOU enough for making my life even fuller still. I did make the decision this year of 98 to lay back from travel and parties. Not because I do not believe in them but because it was time for me to break gracefully and let others in. I could not see me dancing in heels again this year. It has been done and I had allot of fun. Jeffrey Sanker and I still keep in contact and he is very supportive of me and I love him with all my heart for helping me make my dreams of modeling and dancing come true. We will work "Together Again" someday and I am sure the crazy side of me will surface once again, but when who knows???? I will cherish the good times and the performances over the years, for to this day I am amazed at how many of you who have seen me perform can tell me my whole act 5 years ago and how it made a impression on you. You laughed, cried, got angry because I am a very loud in your face queen....ha ha. The times on stage probably were the times my spirit was the most free and I could feel your love which kept me going. GOD gave me the talent to entertain and to get attention I am glad towards the end of all of this I used it in a positive way to insprire others with HIV and aids. I cannot thankyou enough from the bottom of my heart to all of you in the gay community for being so supportive. This is not my epitaph so I am NOT DYING lets get that clear. I am making changes in my life that are important to me. I have put GOD FIRST then family, friends, and of course my health. The rest will come in time. When the Thom Collins Website went up almost 2 years ago I stated in the introduction that I would share with you how to be EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, AND SPIRITUALLY SOUND with hiv or not. I had no idea along the way that I would grow and mature as much as I have by doing this site. I have learned more about others on this thing we call the net and have really been touched by the countless letters, but most of all they also made me think about what I was saying. I grew up because of you and your input as I hope I have helped you find your way in this crazy world The letters I have gotten from around the world have been real eye openers to just how blessed we are to have the freedoms we have in our country. Life never stays the same and the parties will always go on. If you are one of those people that had to be with others on holiday weekend parties because your family does not want you around, maybe it is time to reevaluate where you are in your life and take a chance and make a change. I am trying it myself this year. Holidays with my family and getting closer to them. If you still have no way of getting to your family and the only family you have is the gay community then for your own sanity get some FAITH and find it fast.....because when the last song is danced, the last drink has been drunk, all goes home and the party is over you have ONE PERSON that loves you so much.... GOD.....SEEK HIM....LOVE HIM....BE WITH HIM. God Bless you all in light, in love and in peace, Thom |
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