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To whom it may concern: I got this letter from a young man and was deeply moved by it. I thought I would share it with you all, being that Matt's letter has had such an impact on the younger generation of gay men. I thought this letter was in a different format and could help others out there. Dear Thom, How do I begin to say all that seems to be flooding my heart and mind. I began this note last night after I had discovered your web site. I found it hours after I had finished one of the most painful and difficult weeks of my life. I spent a couple of hours taking in all that you had to say of your and other's experiences, and your relationship with God. I tried writing out my thoughts and my questions but by 3:30am I was barely coherent, and I had to get up for Easter service at 9:00am the next morning. I came across the site by "chance". Although, if I were honest and weren't so afraid, I would have to admit that it was God. I guess I am so afraid that he doesn't love me right now. I feel as if I am walking "through the valley of the shadow of death" and there is no sign of God anywhere. I am at a place where I feel disoriented, confused, condemned, hopeless, fearful, alone, god I could go on and on and on. My name is Michael. I am gay, a Christian, a husband, and a father. I am 32 and have been married for almost 12 years. I have two children, a daughter 6 and a son 3. The struggle and tension between these realities in my life have tormented me for quite some time. It was a very painful and difficult process accepting the reality that I was gay. I have been a Christian and have had a very close and intimate relationship with Christ since I was 14. I grew up in a conservative charismatic Christian environment, and it was always so clear that you could not be a Christian AND gay. For years I hoped it wasn't true and hoped that the feelings would go away. I tried confession, prayer (pleading), accountability, healing, and reparative therapy, but it never went away. My wife and I married when I was 21. We were very close friends and cared for each other very much. She knew from the first day we met that this was something I "struggled" with, but we both believed that if homosexuality was a sin, then God would surely make it go away, or at least make it inconsequential. We were wrong. I didn't understand that being gay was an inherent part of who I was. As a "christian" I couldn't even believe such a thing. As each year went by, the emptiness and the isolation I felt grew. I became increasingly depressed, and eventually became suicidal. I came very close to killing myself, and then was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. I was in the depths of despair confronted with an unanswerable question. How could I be gay, christian, and married? And yet how could I NOT be any one of those. That was in the spring of 1997. Over the next year and a half, I began to honestly wrestle with God as to who I was, and what it meant to be gay. In spite of continuing to see a reparative therapist during that time, I came to the conclusion that being gay was an inherent part of who I was, that it was never going to change, and that it was OK. I finally felt peace with God. In mid October, I shared this with my wife. As a christian, she still feels that homosexuality is a sin, and stated that if that was the way I felt, then I was going to hell and I needed to leave. I moved out of the house in the second week of October, 1998 and we are still separated. I think her initial response was more a reaction to fear and pain. She is now willing to accept that I'm gay, but still believes that it is a sin, and cannot comprehend how I could give her and my family up for this thing. As each day passes by, we move closer to a more permanent separation and more uncertainty, fear, and pain. Yesterday was the culmination of a lot of heartache for my family during the last several months. This week we have just finished moving my wife and children to their new apartment. Our house has sold, and we close this Friday. During the move my daughter asked me again why I didn't want to live with them any more. My heart broke as I struggled to find the words that could explain what was going on and that I loved her so very much. All of the pain of the separation, the constant reminder of how I am doing such a terrible thing to my family, and the constant challenge that homosexuality is a sin, have taken such a toll on my faith and on my heart. At one point I thought had found peace with God, but now I can't seem to find it anywhere. I feel so distant from him. I am confused and disoriented. That's when I came across your web site last night. You spoke so passionately of your love for Christ, and his love for you. I wept as I read what you and others had to say, afraid to hope that it could be true that God still loves me. I wept this morning during the entire Easter service as I sat by myself, wanting so much to feel loved again by God; wanting so much to feel his arms of love around me again. So why the hell am I writing???? I guess because it is so difficult to find someone who understands and can relate to the struggles with my faith and why it would be so important. Just as I have searched for wholeness and completeness through accepting my sexual orientation, a large part of the "wholeness" also comes through my relationship with God. Without it I would be empty and incomplete. Especially after having experienced that relationship. Your church sounds very similar to the one I used to be a part of. [Our churches] "mission" also was to "turn irreligious people into fully devoted followers of Christ". Our church is modeled after another church outside of Chicago. My wife and I were very involved, and I led the worship as the lead singer in our worship band. After my wife and I separated in October, I was forced to leave the church. I miss it so very much. I was surprised and happy to hear that you go to the church you do. How does your church deal with your being gay? I assume they know. How does your pastor deal with it? Does he feel homosexuality is right or wrong? Or does it matter? Do you feel accepted? One of the struggles I have with my church is that I know they love me, and when I run into people, I feel that they genuinely do. But I also know that they feel I have done such a terrible thing, and that I am genuinely wrong and confused. I find that very difficult to deal with. It is not as if they just don't like the style of my hair, or that I drink, or that I "do" things they don't like. It is hard, because they are not accepting who I AM; something I couldn't separate myself from even if I tried (believe me, I have). Do you experience that? It seems that it would be such a huge impediment to developing real relationships with people, and developing "community". Would your pastor be willing to talk to my pastor? Does he have any writings or messages on the issue of homosexuality, or how he treats homosexuals? I would be grateful if I could buy something and send it on to my pastor. I also wonder, do you struggle with doubt? Maybe not whether you are loved by God, but maybe as to whether homosexuality is right or wrong? If you don't, how did you get there? I can only imagine how busy you are and how many countless Emails you receive a day. I would just be so grateful if you had a few words of encouragement you could share. If you can't, believe me I understand. Good god, I know how busy my life is and I don't have near the demands on my time that you probably have on yours. If nothing else, thank you for sharing your story, and for offering hope that God truly does love homosexuals. With heartfelt thanks, |
