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Here is too a new beginning walking with Christ by my side and to bear witness to anyone who like me felt so lost, alone, afraid, and angry after my family, friends, and the catholic church turned it's back on me after my sexuality was revealed. This "page" is one of 5 pages I titled It's in your Hands. Here below is an update done one year ago today and follows with more, but going back in time. As of today, I know GOD, I Know Christ, and I assure you there is enough LOVE for everyone. It is all true what was posted about my last and final church outing and the pain it caused me. However, going into great detail as to why it happened is not going to gain any explanations. I strongly believe GOD has a plan and he has one for me that does not include Life Church.
Without sounding too "hip" or "in" whatever I had peeked or looked at the Kabala just because Madonna did. But this last year upon writing the below started to check it out again. I am by no means a true follower, for I have enough respect for those that are and don't want to say otherwise for the sake of sounding "cool or the obvious.” I will be posting here as well some of the messages sent to me daily by one such site. I will supply the link this coming week. Until then I hope you enjoy my pain and suffering.
This couldn't fit any better. It is JUNE but not 1996 or 1999 or even 2001 but June of 2003. I just poured my little ole heart out in " It's in your hands " folder. It has not been changed, however I have shared a spiritual scar if you will for lack of a better description. Please read with an open mind as I ask with all of my postings knowing that I have learned a valuable lesson because of certain events. Pride, Ego, and learning how to be humble - control the bad and emphasize the good!
This all deals with my desire to share the ideas behind the importance of having a spiritual life. It's somewhat lengthy and has been broken into three parts.
This folder and all of its subfolders on Jesus and GOD are by far the hardest for me to read. I am and always will be secure with my Faith in Jesus Christ my Lord and Saviour, but sadly have been letdown by the organized church I speak of in these documents. Life Church and it's resident founder/Pastor Craig Groeschel proved to me that every man is out for themselves especially if you are a white middle class heterosexual who needs those dollars to build his place of worship. To say that I am bitter would be wrong, but even though this all took place almost 5 years ago the wound has reopened by reading this document again. When MTV's True Life aired my story dealing with Gays and God and how I found the "light" in LIFE Church only to be humiliated by my Pastor/friend without warning the following day at church. I have the actual leaflet he put in the services worksheet "defending" himself and his stance on Homo's. Sadly his hypocrisy came at a huge cost - CHURCH or ORGANIZED. I even discuss in great lengths in this document my reasons for not wanting to participate in a Gay Church. At the time my naïveté' screams for guidance to RUN to a Cathedral of Hope or a REV. Mel White. But NO, I had to prove something by worshiping with straight people for GOD wanted it that way. I can't get over how much this still bugs me. I don't know about any of you out there in todays screwed up world, not to mention yesterday the Supreme Court ruled that Homosexuality/Sodomy is not against the law. Actually, four U.S. states including the one I call home today had active laws on the books and sodomy. Regardless, I am sure conservatives are blaming the "homosexual agenda" for this win. But even in retrospect it means nothing for the true LAW and JUDGMENT will come from my maker and only the Creator. To this day I often wonder if Pastor Craig ever reflects on the controversy my story with MTV and the local newspaper Headlines had on his flock growing then doubling and finally tripled just as I decided to leave after the show aired. How could I be so egotistical to think such a thought? However just this past year I have seen the good ole pastor working the TV infomercials pitching a video called the "Man to Man" series. Also he hasn't stopped there you can hear him on morning radio too. I can't blame him for using his assets to bring people to Jesus for I am doing it as well. Maybe that is why we hit it of f in the beginning when I read Life Churches Tag line, "our pastor looks like Tom Cruise" Any who...I have that leaflet from him and will share it with you all in one of my Blogs. It just occurred to me that it has almost been 5 years to the day when I was re baptized. It was of all days GAY PRIDE Sunday.... In closing I just have to say that there can only be one Tony Robbins and one Billy Graham.
I had previously added this folder about 5 months ago. I have received numerous letters of prayers, thoughts, and ideas. I came to the conclusion that when my website had crashed and was down for a week that I was going to die from frustration. I had spent 2 years getting my website put together by my designers and then one day it was all gone.
I looked at it as a sign from GOD to include others with their testimony and thoughts instead of just my views. My brothers and sisters have come through. I want to share with you the importance of having a spiritual life.
I am a confirmed catholic but not a practicing one.... I am person who believes in GOD and JESUS is my hero. I am a very spiritual person. I follow the bible and live by the last 2 commandments JESUS had left before he had been crucified. That is to "LOVE ONE GOD, AND TO LOVE YOUR NEIGHBORS AS YOURSELVES."
Jesus to me as a young boy was who I wanted to pattern myself after. I had pictures and an actual bust of Jesus in my room instead of the typical kid stuff. I also attended bible study before school 3 days a week. My grandmother would tell me stories of how Jesus helped people and died for our sins. As I grew older in life and realized the catholic religion was not for me for I believe that "Religion is for those afraid of hell, and spirituality is for those who have been there and back.”
Being a gay man and seeing that I was hated and looked down upon for my lifestyle even though it is not by my choice but by God's design. GOD does not make mistakes. I got into a debate at my new church dealing with worldly friends and Christian friends. At LIFE CHURCH here in Oklahoma our mission statement is to "help lead people to become fully devoted followers of Christ."
They know including my pastor of my homosexuality and they do not judge me. They love me as I do them. That is why I chose not to join a gay church for I believe that we need to all worship and praise together equally. Black, white, gay, straight etc. Pastor Craig of Life church also has become a true friend. I say that even though we do not see one another every day we have both made an impression on one another. I was so taken aback when I had heard at another service he actually spoke out about gay Christians. I had given him a bunch of literature on the subject. To see that he really is trying to help others understand that sin or no sin we deserved to be treated and loved like any other Christian.
I remember a small debate on hanging with worldly friends and Christian friends. I disagreed with it. Jesus chose to be with the lepers, whores, and outcasts, for he was an outcast himself. Then I was reminded that yes he did have his followers but his true friends were his disciples. I then retorted yes but his followers were not the ones to betray him and also to leave him to die on the cross without admitting they even knew of him. The followers stayed till the end for they could relate to him and was not ashamed to say they knew him.
I am not saying that being gay does not give you carte blanche to be promiscuous either. (Quote from Rev. Mel White) Homo sex u ality. Heterosexuals think that we are just perverts and sexual deviants. Which is so untrue. I along with my straight brothers and sisters have fallen prey to infidelity. I am in a committed 15 year relationship and very proud of my identity as a gay man. I know Jesus knows I am doing the best I can with what I have to work with.
One thing I loved about Jesus was the fact he had a sense of humor, he loved a gathering of people for drink and dance, and he loved unconditionally. I have always loved trying to pattern myself after him but no one could ever be as pure of heart. I just wanted to share some of my feelings on my faith in Jesus Christ.
I have found such strength in prayer and meditation. Not only dealing with HIV in my life, but with all aspects of the world. We are in very scary times and it seems to me that most, especially the gay community is trying to fill a void in their lives with sex, drugs, money, and image. When really all they need to fill them up completely is GOD himself.
I was lost, but now I am found. I asked JESUS into my heart at the age of 5 and he has been a very profound presence since. Even though when I came out gay at 16 and was thrown out of my home I turned my back on him, but he never did. He has always been there and always will be.
What now Thom Collins? When my website initially went up I said I would share with my readers "Emotionally, Physically and Spiritually.” Well, after going through losing my website I've realized that everything happens for a reason. Here's where I explain how my life has progressed emotionally, physically and spiritually.
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