What began today as an explanation of what to look for in way of changes for the site took a serious turn. I intended weeks ago to post a picture and testimony of my friend Pam Argo who died in the Oklahoma City bombing. Once I started this testimony, I planned on it being brief. However, as I typed her name I realized the history and love I have for her and found myself a prisoner at my computer.

This was a labor of LOVE and LOVE is what I had for this young woman. By the time I finished, so wiped out emotionally as I began to relive the good times and the bad I just let my heart direct my hands to bring this story to life for you.

First, I do have to clarify some things. The site is going through so many change's that even I got lost in all that is coming and already is.

The "What's New" folder was designed for my daily, weekly, or monthly thoughts to share with you. The ability to visit the site on a daily basis to see what is new and what is coming without having to surf the entire site.

Then once I was ready to post again on any number of subjects, the existing testimony or story would be filed accordingly to it's subject content. What I did not take into consideration is with all the technical advances we are making, promotional information, AVIs and Videos that somehow my message was being upstaged per-say.

My site has always reflected my deepest thoughts, feelings, and emotion. Therefore, I had to make a change that will be in affect over the weekend. I have asked my web-master to create a folder called "DOUBTING THOMAS" for just this with no frills, sound, or gimmicks. I wanted to get back to basics and connect with all of you in the simplest format.

The What's New section will be the place to see where the new updates are located when a new post is up, promotional and professional products, date and times of the live video feed as it is close to completion. Also chat room times, new folders that have been created, memberships, taped video greetings as well as information on the site itself in all aspects of the website function, technical issues, and all new information for you the reader.

I appreciate all of you hanging in there as we venture into new territory. I am very excited as to what is yet to come. It is so important for me to let you know what to look for and how to maneuver the site in order to get my message across.

So PLEASE for your convenience check the "What's New" section daily and you will be directed to folders that have been updated, fixed, or coming soon.

In closing you may have noticed that I had posted my TOPIC on "FRIENDS" with a cliff hanger in the midst of my story saying "more to follow". There is quite a bit to follow which has been completed all 22 pages of it. This could not all fit comfortably in the "What's New" section because of all the other information. So by the end of the week you will have the whole testimony and slide show in the newly created "DOUBTING THOMAS" folder. This is the sister folder I created for my partner called "the OTHER SIDE", dealing with David's own personal testimony in which he did begin to explore and post his much awaited photograph.

Told that we have our pin number to access our Live Video Feed from our home this week and hooked up (GOD WILLING) this Sunday. So after I took a four hour break and watched Will and Grace just a few minutes ago I got the urge to finish what I started this afternoon. Laughing through the show and remembering very similar events that took place with the woman you are about to meet below.

Another decision made tonight was to call Mike my web master for the third time to create a folder called "IN MEMORY OF" along with Pam. I want to share photographs of my friends lost. The impact on my daily life never is ending, for I think of these persons every day. To finally let go of Pride and Ego has allowed me to share my life lesson through my love for Jesus Christ. I no longer feel the need to appear perfect in any shape, video of my past, or candid shots to help tell my story. That is why I am so hyped to let some of my many walls down and come as I am, like I would expect any of you to Come as you are. A picture/video can tell the story on it's own. So, with that said I want you to meet my dear friend Pamela Satterfield Argo:

For anyone who has been witness to my talk show appearances or have read in length my story you will know the person I am speaking. Pam died five years ago April 19 1995 in the Oklahoma City bomb. Pam Satterfield was a big part of my history. When David and I met in 1983 he was still married and by October of 1983, my parents had thrown me out of the house for being gay.

David was dealing with his own demons and decided it was best for him at the time to break off our connection. I however had to go on. On my 17th birthday October 31,1983 I met Tomme Argo. He was someone that came into my life at a time of uncertainty and confusion. His love for me was beyond words and to this day, I think of him often. He looked like what the world perceived as Jesus. Later in life, I would come to the same conclusion.

He was at the top of his field as a hairdresser which also had a HUGE impact on my direction to become one as well. However, David decided to get a divorce and become a couple. I on the other hand had started a relationship with Tomme.

How does Pam fit in this story? Well, she was a fiery red-haired person (and many other hair colors soon followed) full of laughter, independent, GORGEOUS, and most of all devoted friend anyone could ever have.

Except in the beginning I was her nemesis. You see she was not only beautiful but strong willed. She was heterosexual but found peace and serenity with her many gay friends.

She was one of the girls that other girls wanted to be. In other words, she was the femme "Fruit Fly" for her gay counterparts. Many gay men have straight girlfriends for dating purposes as a front for heterosexual functions.

This girl was MORE than just that. The main reason she and I did not hit it off in the beginning is that when I moved in with Tomme, David and I were going through some very tough issues like breaking up. Pam along with Jonathan, Wes, and Tomme were sharing a 4-bedroom house. So not only was I a 5th person to an already tense situation but Tomme's boyfriend.

Picture this, everyone is gone from the house but Pam and I. She had hardly said a word to me since Tomme and I started dating in October. Then David came into the "FULL" picture around November. I was scared and moved out of our apartment into Tomme's. This was in January, leaving David alone, along with the roommates from hell, my transsexual friend Mindy and Randy.

Pam was not stupid. She saw a manipulative blonde, bubble butt boy who was spoiled, selfish, and frustrated. She got in my face that morning all alone and said if you hurt Tomme I am going to hurt you. I assured her I would not but in the end, I did.

This is very painful for me. When I look back taking inventory on those people I hurt, I am so ashamed. As time went on as it does, David and I worked things out and moved out of the apartment. We moved into "Gayview Towers". Actually it was called Lakeview Towers, but it was predominately gay. Tomme and Pam along with so many other wonderful people also moved in as well. Time heals all wounds. David, Tomme, Pam, and I became very close.

Other of my friends grew closer along with Pam including, Jonathan, Wes, Ed, Tanner, and Cindy. The manager of the Towers, Mary James, became a friend and investor in Home Care Options. Pam would also play a big role in 1993 when David and I moved back to Oklahoma from Los Angeles helping by allowing us to live with her until other arrangements made. Whew, small world!

Anyway, back to Pam. We would have parties out by our complex's pool, go out every weekend as a group which we called the Argonaut's. This describes briefly another group of friends, true friends; I had before moving to Los Angeles. Pam had the most infectious laugh, dress to perfection, hair, and makeup to put any star of the time to shame.

Heck, she had all hairdresser boyfriends so she could never go wrong. She was the "T". In December of 1985, I tested HIV positive. David had tested negative at that time. I had the time of my life contacting anyone I might have had sex with before David and make him or her aware of my status. Such Fun!

This has been an interesting topic for David and I to debate. I was no saint sexually but I was not a whore either. The toughest part was after narrowing it down to two people Eric who I met at 16 for a one-night stand and Tomme who I was with for close to three months. Eric had moved and I had to tell Tomme that not only did I test positive but also he most likely was the carrier who exposed me.

Now, I want to make this very clear, I have never blamed anyone for my HIV status. I knew Venereal Diseases were out there and chose to take chances by not practicing safe sex. HOWEVER, in 1983 there was no AIDS, at least not, as we know it today. Who knew then that you were taking a chance with this new Gay Cancer and paying with your life? When David tested negative in 1985 it was about the same time AIDS gained notoriety. More like a runaway train! I had to notify those that I may have exposed and vice versa.

Pam and Tomme were very close. Along with the above mentioned. When I broke the news to her, she was concerned about me. However, when I told her I thought Tomme exposed me and needs to be tested she agreed and shared with me that they had been intimate at times.

We were all scared. The difference was that out of eight friends that following year that tested I was the only one that told people I was positive. Others said they were negative including Tomme.

As friends began to die like Ed and Wes during the 1980's, Tomme and I worked in the same hair salon. Along With Pam, we tried to get him to be honest and get help. He refused. In 1988, he got sick and diagnosed with AIDS. I called him and we both cried. You see even with all the drama that had taken place all of us took care of one another. However, Pam was a true ANGEL.

Pam and Tomme Married in 1988 as a way of getting help for him with insurance, medications, and the cost of numerous doctor visits. When I moved to Los Angeles in 1989, I would get calls from her and other friends back home that were either sick or dying. At one point when I was gone, I had heard that Tomme quarantined because he tested positive for a resistant strain of tuberculosis. Placed in a mental ward, against his will due to the strain of tuberculosis he carried.

These were tough people and put up with so much. To this day Tomme is my biggest inspiration for someone living with AIDS. With the love of his friends, his faith, and love for others he carried on as long as his body would let him. He was fighting well over four opportunistic infections and was declining in the end quite fast.

Once I moved back to Oklahoma for a second time in 1994 and started the Open Your Heart Foundation along with David, more than half of our friends had died. These friends I "came out" to and "with". They were my family. Jonathan who was the "court jester" of the group got ill very quickly. I spoke to him as well as Tomme to let them know if they needed ANYTHING to be sure and call.

Jonathan decided after years of us talking about AIDS and our status in the early 90's on my visit's back home, that he had no intention of ever fighting if he took ill. He along with me did not see eye to eye on this. When he got sick Pam would call crying that he refused to eat and at this point I respected his wish to let him die in peace. That was very hard for me to explain to Pam on allowing him his dignity and choice.

Pam volunteered for AIDS charities, was there every waking minute when one of our friends got sick as a caregiver, and always had a smile of sunshine on her angelic face. Nevertheless, when Jonathan died in November like so many of our close friends before she began to break down.

Tomme and Pam were dealing with many issues at the time of Jonathan's death. Tomme had moved in with his immediate family a year before. Jonathan became the focal point for Pam when he suddenly took a turn for the worse. One thing I am sure you can relate too is the bond that strengthens even stronger as you travel this journey with a sick loved one.

Suddenly every moment counts and you really cherish your time together. If I had to chose one word to describe what I have witnessed in this disease is TIME. In tragic cases like accidents, you never had to chance to say the things you wish you said before it is too late. This disease now seems to be able to give you the time to heal old wounds and to make up for time lost.

If you have been through the horror of AIDS, you understand the feelings expressed. Soon not only does life leave your friends; it also takes a part of you with them when they die. It begins to show in faces of people you know when the word AIDS is brought up.

This is true in any case of disease or sickness. The family/friend who becomes the caregiver gives all of themselves to make it as peaceful and comfortable as possible.

This was the very essence of Pam Satterfield Argo. Peace, care, love, compassion, and comfort along with her sense of humor made the pain go away. My prayers go out to those RIGHT NOW that do not have a Pam Argo by their bedside.

When Tomme died in February, it was different from the others before. After the funeral, I followed her into the girls bathroom. She was strong the whole way through with no visible tears. I too began to hide my pain out of fear and vulnerability.

After all I had this dreaded disease, but refused to let it get me. Funerals became common place along with testing my positive attitude living with the disease. Inside I would be the most fragile but I would put up a strong wall while death and the disease was looking at me square in the face.

That is why when Pam broke down in my arms crying and started saying repeatedly " I can't take this there all gone and you are going to be next!" I lost it. I cried with her but at the same time got angry. How can you say that to me Pam I am still alive and doing fine, I need your support and any positive energy you have left? "I am scared too Pam! What makes you think you couldn't die tomorrow?" I worry about you as much as you worry about me. Why is it that HIV positive people have a death sentence attached to them?

She understood where I was coming from but Tomme had just died and this was not about ME. I just wanted her to know that. Pam then made a comment about Tomme, Wes, Ed, and Jonathan looking down saying, "you both need to get a grip and began to laugh aloud". She could always make me laugh.

Later at her house that February afternoon for the wake, everyone who had survived to date was there. The sun was out, laughter all around of the old days and Pam in the kitchen fixing a whole spread for her guests.

David and I were sitting at the countertop making fun of her and our combined history as she was making a salad. Talking about the time, she said she would kill me if I hurt Tomme. That said I looked at David and told him how much I loved him in hopes I would never hurt anyone again.

Pam shared with me how much Tomme loved me and how happy he was for David and me. Tomme cut my hair every time I came home to visit. He worked with AIDS and a smile on his face up until he got CMV and could not see anymore. Before he stopped working I was able to tell him how much I loved him and apologize for any pain I may have caused him.

He replied, " GOD has a reason for everything and our time together was better than having no time at all".

Pam announced to everyone their that she was tired of the group getting together only when their was a death in our circle and vowed to have a barbecue party at her home in April. We all said our good byes and to those from out of state said see you in April. I gave her a big kiss and then said call me if you need anything.

Two months later she called me April 1 to fill me in on the details of the party. We chatted about what to bring and I told her I had the POZ Magazine she had asked for a month earlier that I had signed. She was so excited but proud of the work I was doing. She also said someone has to fight this monster and it might as well be you since I had the BIGGEST MOUTH in the world.

So after a big laugh with her on that one I asked about Tanner, when is he coming in from LA. She said she had to pick him up at the airport around 12:50 April 19, 1995.

I said I love you and see you then. She responded " I love you too."

At 9:10, the morning of April 19, 1995 David and I got a call from my mother telling us that the boiler room had blown up in our building. Our business was downtown OKC. What we later found out was the Murrah Building which was eight blocks away and the explosion had blown out the windows on three floors of our offices.

We turned on the TV and like the rest of the world was in utter shock as the helicopter came around what seemed to be a fire in the building to the whole front blown off. We were stunned.

Soon to follow the nation and the world would find out the truth that someone had planted a bomb. David and I glued to the set that night into the morning hours. Soon caught up in the political unrest of who did it.

Naturally, the nation immediately looked to Arabian/Iranians or countries with heated emotions against America. In a sick twisted way, if any one good thing could come from this bombing it was the arrest of a lily white man named Timothy McVeigh home grown on America's soil?

I hope all take pause on that statement. Evil is evil, no matter what color, sex or religious belief one has.

Two days later as David and I were getting ready for work the TV was naturally on. They were getting ready to release the names of the dead they had identified. Pamela Argo was the first name they said. I was in shock. David and I looked at each other and said no way. I called Pam's house and Tanner answered the telephone. He then told me the sordid tale. I listened as tears rolled down my face as he began to explain. Pam had never shown up to pick him up at the airport. He got a cab to her house to find her family and some of her friends there confused and scared.

Pam was at the SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance) to finalize the paperwork on the benefits left for her through the death of Tomme. They did not want to alert anyone outside of Pam's home until they were for sure. Soon realized later that night when she did not come home something was very wrong.

He apologized not calling earlier, however respecting wishes of Pam's family and not involve many people. I still was not able to comprehend. I just kept saying Oh, my GOD. I could not believe it. Not only, our friends taken by AIDS, now the paperwork of AIDS was the culprit of her death.

If Tomme had not died or the dealings with paperwork with AIDS maybe she would still be alive. All the questions one asks themselves when something tragic like this happens.

Since we were in a health care business, we had many doctor friends. Dr. Carl Spengler, D.O. was the first on the scene as he set up triage for the wounded. He would later tell us that Pam found just outside what use to be the buildings entrance in all black and red lipstick, a trademark of Pam.

Her father would later tell me at the funeral the exact thing. I still cannot believe it has been five years. I can still remember the high drama all around Oklahoma. It was a time of pulling together, helping your neighbor, and mourning the loss.

Yes, it is probably true if you know a person in Oklahoma by "six degrees of separation", you will have known of someone killed in the Oklahoma bombing. This is my story of a girl named Pam Satterfield Argo who died April 19, 1995 at 9:02 in the morning.

I often thought that Tomme, Jonathan, Wes, and Ed asked GOD if he could bring Pam up to heaven to play with them. Nevertheless, to make it fast and not painful. Pam still smiled and I will always remember my last glimpse of her at her house after Tomme's funeral and the word's I love you on the telephone in early April. But like I said earlier when someone you love dies they take a part of your heart with them just as you keep their loving memory alive.

After you experience death as much as, we had you begin to know each other very well. Pam loved life more than life itself. I know how much she loved her family and her friends. However, I also know the painful loss she had to begin to learn to live with. Something I have been doing everyday of my life. It is not very easy and clouded in depression, survivors guilt, and fear all as one emotion.

I never question GOD and his decisions. He has a reason for all good or bad things. The key is to know how to learn from both experience's and to adapt them into everyday life. In retrospect, I feel our life on earth is like spiritual school. Who are you going to call when things go wrong, who will you praise when thing's go right. The key to all of these things is a relationship with Jesus Christ our Savior. I know she along with my many other friends from home are up there with wings next to the greatest love of all, JESUS himself.

I feel their presence all around me and I love the idea that they are up there on my side guiding me through this thing called life. Guardian angels that I was privy to know before and I will meet again when my time comes.

The one thing that I learned from this pain and loss was to appreciate TIME for TIME is all we have in the end.

TAKE TIME OUT TO TELL YOUR LOVED ONES YOU LOVE THEM.

I was able to do this, but not planned, never knowing Pam killed within days. Seize the day do not take anything or anyone for granted.

Jn. 11:25 " I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me, though he may die, he shall live".

GOD BLESS YOU ALL,

THOM COLLINS

MY HEART AND PRAYERS GO OUT TO THE FAMILIES OF COLUMBINE HIGH SCHOOL the anniversary of this tragedy. This is an important time to Christians, Holy Week with Easter on the horizon. I could not think of a better time to reflect about those we have lost. The losses give casuse for even greater reflection of resurrection of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. This is the perfect time to bring Him into your heart.

BTW: I still have the POZ magazine, signed for Pam. Never delivered to her that weekend. I read and remember when, each anniversary of Pam's death, I use a gift not given as a rememberance.